Christmas in Adelaide!

So Rebecca and I are flying down to Adelaide this afternoon to spend Christmas with her parents and family. I am really excited! I've heard mixed reviews on the city, but the most important thing to me is that her family will be there, I'll get to see her elementary (primary?) school, see the place she grew up in... figure out why she's so weird, and have Christmas with an actual family, which is much better than our original plans to stay here and chill with each other during Christmas and New Year.

Things in Sydney are going a lot better since my last post. It seems that I'm getting adjusted to here a lot faster than I did in France. Albeit the language is the same, and I can actually understand whether people are being nice to me or not, and Rebecca has gotten some job interviews, which is GREAT for us. We've seen a lot more of the city, and we've found a few places that we both really like, that we might want to live in, so that is really good. Now we just have to wait until the holidays are over and we can get started more seriously on our job search. I'm happy to report though that everything is feeling better and better each day, and more and more comfortable. I'm really happy Rebecca is here with me, and we're moving forward with our future, (not plural).

Holy Crap I'm in Australia

Well, my plans seem to have changed a bit over the last few months. I went from doing everything I could to get back to France, to realizing that it might be better to wait a bit, to having an opportunity to move to Australia for a year and taking it, to settling here in Sydney, in a cute little suburb called Maroubra, hanging out with Rebecca, her sister and husband, and their three boys.

It's been hard adjusting to the new time zone, to leaving the States, and there has been added stress from everything here being SO expensive. We can't find rent cheaper than $1200/month! And that's for like.. a shack.

To be honest, I haven't written since I've been here because there doesn't seem much to report. It feels like San Diego with Australian people, but everyone is driving on the other side of the road. I want my own place, I want a place where I can get away when things get too complicated here and when I don't feel like being around other people. I need a lot of personal space, and a lot of time alone, and I don't have that at all here, which is probably one of the hardest things. I want to listen to music, but I can't because I'm never alone. I want to go out with friends, but I don't have any. Sometimes I'd love to go somewhere other than the house, but I can't because I don't know how to get anywhere. I guess I can go to the beach, but that gets old soon. I guess after being unemployed for so long in the States, I was hoping I could come here and find work, but I haven't found anything yet. If I'm in a good mood, which I'm not right now, then it's fine.. I stay positive, but other times, like right now, I feel like maybe I didn't think this through well enoguh before I came. I have no idea what I'm doing here.. it's like France all over again. I know I hated France when I first got there, and I went through a long, drawn out period of mourning before I started to really like it, then I started to love it, and now my heart aches for it and I miss France every day. Maybe Australia will become like that as well... right now I just feel out of place, and unable to do anything about it.

Long Road

Well, it's been a long road up to this point. I remember getting to come back from France and wondering what my life would be like when I came back to the States. I had no idea that four to five months later I would moving again, to Australia. These past months of joblessness, scattered homelessness, frustration dealing with auto insurance companies and banks, and frustration over where my life was headed and the inability to eat at times has taught me a lot I think. As to patience, diligence, humility, I have learned that there is always room to grow as a person. I'm happy, excited, full of wonder for this next trip and next step in my life, but more so, I am just thankful. Most people who have helped me, either with money, with housing, with free dinners, with moral support, read my blog, and those who don't, I've tried my hardest to thank.

I guess now, I am finally going through the last steps of preparing for this trip, which has seen so many more difficulties than I saw before leaving for France. Rebecca and I have both sold our cars, cancelled our accounts, gotten rid of things - that has been a huge one - Rebecca has lived here in the State for 9 years, and packaging everything down to two suitcases is a tough job when you have so many memories, but we will be creating new memories, we will be forging new dreams and putting ourselves out there for the world to deal with once again; and we are both happy about that. In a few weeks my life is going to change forever, again. I can't put into words what living in France for a year did to me, I guess someone (who was really bored,) could go and read all of my posts and could up with a summation of how my views did, but there are no words that can describe what goes on in the human heart, the change that desperation, lack of ability to communicate, longing for home, and then finally a discovery of oneself, but at least I know what happened there. I can't wait to see what happens on this next journey. If it will be the same, no one can say. I think the non-language barrier will be a huge factor in how I change, and how easily I grow accustomed to my new place. Also having my best friend and love there with me, (or I with her to be more accurate,) will make this a much different trip.

I guess the largest question I have now is when this desire to travel, see and experience the world will end. Will it be with Australia? Will I move back to France? I know that deep down my my heart still beats to return there, and I, like Rebecca, never want to settle for a life I'll take when I can push for a life I want. Especially in today's world where international affairs are so possible and plentiful, I consider Australia not as an end, but as a step to finding out the future.

So to all who have helped me these last four months, you have no idea what you've done, and how much you've helped me. Every dollar, every night on a couch, every meal, every encouraging word. It has meant the world to me.

What about the future?

J'aimerais bien savoir ce que je devrais faire avec l'avenir... Je vais déménager en Australie, mais après, devrais-je retourner aux états-unis? Puis-je retourner en France? Je préférais revenir en France honnêtement, je veux étudier français là, parce que je ne veux pas perdre ce que j'ai appris, et je me sens que je suis déjà en train de l'oublier. J'ai besoin de pratiquer avec quelqu'un, mais Rebecca a trouvé plein des écoles à Sydney où je peux continuer mes études, donc, pour le moment c'est pas grave, mais je meurs d'envie de parler français, je meurs d'envie d'être plus Français, je meurs d'envie d'y revenir et encore vivre... Je me sens vide depuis partir de la France, et je veux y revenir... mais je rabâche... Je suppose qu'il faut attendre, mais on ne peut attendre qu'un temps. Éventuellement je vais oublier la France, et je vais encore devenir américain, et j'ai peur de ça. Je vois, maintenant, tous ces problèmes avec mon pays, avec la mode de vie ici, mais je sais si je reste trop de temps ici, j'oublierai les problèmes, j'oublierai ce que j'aimais de la France, j'oublierai mes amis là, et je serai triste, sans savoir pourquoi, je serai mécontent avec ma vie. C'est déprimé! Et je veux pas ça! Je suis coincé...

I finally made some plans

Over the last several months, I went from being really happy to be coming home the United States, to very very frustrated at the fact that I couldn't find work or a way to support myself. It seems like bad things just keep happening to me, with great frequency, and good things are very few and far between. To add to my list of things that just keep knocking me down, on top of having no job, having my car getting broken into, having the insurance company not cover pretty much anything in the car, I found that a few weeks before moving to France, I had gotten a speeding ticket. I was never aware of the ticket, because I *moved to France,* and I didn't have my mail forwarded to my new address, (if I even could have done it to another country.) So I went down to the DMV a few weeks ago and was told that I had an outstanding ticket, a failure to appear in court over it, a revoked license, and a warrant for my arrest. Yay! I think at this point, I was just thinking "okay, fine..... everyday I wake up to something new that is worse than the day before, so it doesn't even phase me." I explained my situation to the DMV, that I had no knowledge of this ticket, and the reason it went unpaid for so long was because I was out of the country, and they let me leave as long as I promised them I would go to court and take care of it. I went to court a few days ago, waited for seven hours, and tried to explain to the judge when it was my turn, but he gave me the full penalty of $600, for doing 80 in a 70. I pleaded with him and got him to "reduce" it to $450, but.. it's still four hundred and fifty dollars, and it's just one MORE thing to add to my list of suck.

There are some good things to report though. Some GREAT things to report actually. Rebecca's family offered us two plane tickets to fly to Sydney and stay there with her sister. The job market over there is better than San Diego, and I can get a visa to live there and work there legally for one year. I'm excited about this, really excited, because I think it will give us the opportunity to jumpstart ourselves into a new frame of mind, being near the beach in a new country where everyone talks funny, and Rebecca's sister has been asking around and trying to help us a LOT to find work and make this transistion comfortable.

I think in all honesty, because we have a way to get there, if I can find ANY type of work there, it's a great option. It allows me to get closer to Rebecca and develop my relationship more with her, and also allows me to have a wonderful life-experience, meet new people, have new experiences, and finally find out if toilets really do flush in the opposite direction in the southern hemisphere. I have been researching stuff the last few days, and I'll be applying soon for the visa I'll need to get over there and work. I think we're trying to set a timeline of one to two months to get everything in order, and then we're off!

I'm moving to Australia!

Finally something exciting! I'm excited!

Fact: Koala bears drink Fosters.

FML

So I bought a $4,000 Honda Civic about a month or two ago. It's a piece of crap. It gets me from point A to point B and I've been very happy with it. Included in the package was a stick shift that actually fell off while I was driving, but I can use the metal piece to drive it, and a weird tire/brake problem that makes my car squeak each time I put pressure on the brakes. No bigee - it adds character. The third magnificent piece was an OLD after-market CD player that no longer played CDs. The radio worked, but I got commercial CDs to play about one in every twenty attempts.

My car got broken into tonight. It really sucks. They stole the deck, (the CD player/radio thingy,) and totally jacked up the inside of my car. They also stole my $700 guitar - one of my last valuable possessions. I'm really bummed about that.... Last week, a friend of mine who was leaving the country gave me a free subwoofer that cost like $200 or so, and they stole that too.. but it's okay, I didn't have enough money to install it anyway so it was just sitting in my back seat. My car still runs, but the whole front section is just a mess of wires, and I think they broke a few things as well. But, as long as the engine turns on, and the wheels move, I guess it just gives me something else to laugh about in my life right now. I think - with everything else going on - is a missing car stereo and a free subwoofer I wasn't going to use really worth getting upset about? They (luckily) didn't open my trunk, cause I have like $1000 worth of stuff in there, (where else am I going to store it?)

But at least some kids now have a deck that doesn't work at all, and a cool new subwoofer they can put in their car to make loud noises that will make them all go deaf. My initial thoughts were that hopefully, one of them will feel really guilty about it and decide to make some huge change in their life that leads them to go volunteer for the Peace Corps or something and make a difference in this world. Minus that, I guess they could all get gangrene, or have erectile dysfunction on their prom nights or something. :)

I wonder if my insurance covers this.......

Back in it!

Well I decided to not let my pity party last for more than a few days, and I'm back to looking for work and eating a lot of rice and vegetables. I had a job interview last week, but I haven't heard back for a second round, even though it sounded incredibly promising on the phone. I'm thinking that I might need to leave San Diego after about three or four more weeks since I'm going to run out of money again. If anyone, in America, knows of any jobs near them, let me know! I'd be happy to move somewhere other than here, even though San Diego is my home now, for the opportunity of a job. But we'll see - God is still good, and maybe some of that will trickle down to me right now.

At the very least, I've got my head back up, and I'm trying to stay positive and find work.

So I guess the worst isn't over yet....

Just when I thought my life couldn't get any worse.....

ben..peut-être un Master...........

English Translation:
http://translate.google.com/translate?prev=hp&hl=en&js=y&u=http://holycrapiminfrance.blogspot.com/2009/08/benpeut-etre-un-master.html&sl=fr&tl=en&history_state0=

Alors, je réfléchis et je réfléchis... c'est pas trop dur quand je n'ai pas d'un boulot ni un appart, mais, en fait je suis très content que j'ai des amis à San Diego qui veulent m'aider. Etre pauvre maintenant, en fait, sans-abri, c'est quelque chose difficile, mais pas impossible. J'ai plein de temps pour réfléchir à propos de ce que je veux faire avec ma vie.

Selon mon dernier message, je voulais étudier et avoir un certificat pour enseigner l'anglais à ceux qui en apprend, parce que c'était logique. J'ai travaillé déjà dans un université, j'ai bien connu le directeur académique, et avec le certificat je pourrais avoir enseigné l'anglais en France et gagné assez d'argent pour survivre, mais maintenant que j'ai été viré, je ne pense plus que ça marchera. Vous savez que ça fait un bout de temps que j'ai envie de revenir en France, mais il me semble que je n'arrive pas à trouver un façon pour faire ça. Je ne pense plus que être professeur marchera, mais j'ai eu une autre idée!

Depuis longtemps je m'intéresse à obtenir mon diplôme de maîtrise, mais en fait, je n'ai jamais été sur ce que je voulais étudier. J'ai mon "licence" en High Technology Management, ça veut dire le management de ceux qui programmer, mais le diplôme était très très... comment on dit ça... "partie gauche du cerveaux?" Il était très analytique, logique, rational, mathématique, et le diplôme ne s'est focalisé sur la "partie droite du cerveaux" - les choses intuitive, culturelle et créative. Toutefois, ces choses, lesquelles de la partie droite du cerveaux, sont très important a moi, et je trouve en fait qu'ils ont devenue plus et plus important comme je vieillis. Maintenant que j'étudie tous les jours le français et c'est évident que j'aime bien cette langue, je pense que peut-être je veux avoir une maîtrise en la linguistique de français. La linguistique m'intéresse beaucoup, et c'est très moins cher en France avoir une maîtrise, moins qu'aux états-unis au moins.

Je pense, maintenant, que j'ai choisi ce diplôme parce que j'ai grandi parmi tous les asiatiques. Tous mes amis étaient asiatiques au lycée, collège, et école. Donc, peut-être j'ai choisi quelque chose technique et analytique parce que la plupart de mes amis se sont intéressés par les choses mathématiques et logique, et moi, je les ai suivis parce que... je sais pas... parce que j'ai cru qu'ils étaient intelligent, et qu'être programmeur ou analyste ou comptable était "un bon choix" pour survivre, gagner d'argent, et, le plus important: réussir. Mais, "réussir" veut dire quoi? Peut-être "être prospère?" à l'âge de 16 ans, à l'âge de 20 ans, même à l'âge de 22 ans j'ai cru que ma réponse à cette question était simplement "être prospère veut dire être prospère! Il n'y a qu'une signification! Gagner de l'argent, acheter des trucs, et être heureux." Et puis j'ai déménagé en France et ma vie est toujours sans dessus-dessous. En fait, c'est bizarre comment j'ai changé depuis vivre en France. Je pense que j'ai finalement trouvé qui je suis. Comment ai-je pu habiter vingt-six ans aux Etats-Unis sans me connaître, et puis déménager en France pendant une année et trouver qui je suis et ce que je voulais faire avec ma vie? C'est pour ça que je me sens... trop... attiré par la France. C'est en France que j'ai trouvé qui je suis! C'est en France que j'ai arrêté de chercher. 26 ans sans me connaître, 26 ans d'avoir beau chercher des réponses de la vie, et finalement je les trouve dans un pais qui n'est pas le mien, où je ne parle pas la langue, où je ne connais pas la culture... et je trouve que je suis pris entre le marteau et l'enclume. Peux-je vraiment décider de retourner en France et démarrer à zéro? Peux-je sacrifier ce que je possède ici aux états-unis pour un rêve ou un possibilité d'être heureux en France? C'est abusé... Je me sens coincé. Je veux vraiment y revenir, mais la question n'est pas si je veux ou veux pas, mais si je peux ou peux pas. Si j'ai un boulot dans un mois, et je mon propre appartement, je peux commencer de réfléchir à propos de ce que je devrais faire.

Je pense, au moins, revenir en France pendant deux ou trois ans n'est pas un problème. Même si j'arrive à n'aimer pas la France après trois ans, je peux toujours revenir aux états-unis, avec une maîtrise, avec parler couramment une deuxième langue, et travailler soit avec une compagnie qui a besoin de quelqu'un qui parle anglais et français, soit une compagnie françaises qui a besoin de quelqu'un qui parle les deux.

Mais encore, je me sens comme j'ai besoin de... quelque chose... je peux pas décider.

well shoot.

So here I am, in the same boat as I was three months ago. I got fired from my job a few days ago, and I'm completely blown away. I was working as an RA (Resident Advisor) at an international school here in San Diego, part-time, supposedly 12 hours per week, and I was pulling about 30+ hours per week. When I got hired, I was told I'd be able to find another job in conjunction with this, since it was only nights 6-10pm, a few nights a week, and weekends. So... I ended up working so much at this job that I was unable to find anything else - then I get fired because my boss didn't think I was working hard enough. I talked to a free lawyer service here in SD yesterday, but for some reason they said they couldn't help me, I didn't meet their requirements. So... they fired me on Friday, and on Monday I was out, which means no more income, no more place to live, no job... I'm back exactly where I was when I moved back into the country.

I'm not sure whether to cry, to smile, to be angry, to lose hope... I'm staying at a youth hostel with a bunch of international travellers right now until my money runs out in about 4 days, then I have a car to sleep in. Each day I apply for tons of jobs, drive around and apply in person at others, and then each morning I check my email to find that no one has responded to me.

I am just - so frustrated. I am smart, I have a good track record, I have good job experience, I have good references, but it's like the universe is just set against me succeding. I don't like to complain, because it won't change anything, but I mean... life just sucks right now. When you have nowhere to go, and you're scared about sleeping in your car because it's illegal and you don't want the cops to get involved in your already-screwed up life... you kind of start to lose hope.

So that's where I am.

CELTA, teaching English, Life

The whole "life" thing is becoming a common thread about which I write, so here I go with attempt number 15-and-counting, maybe I'll get it one of these days.

So I got a job as a Resident Advisor at a school in San Diego for international students. I took the job after three-plus months of looking for something that has to do with my major, a B.S. in High Technology Management. I applied for job after job after job and heard nothing. I went on interview after interview and wasn't offered anything. Short of feeling absolutely retarded and useless, I did get offered this job, but I make $300 a month and get a place to live in exchange for working with the students. It's good, but I need to make more money... I can barely survive much less pay off my debt ($7000 now) making this. So, I was speaking with the academic director of the school about the possibility of using my teaching experience in France to teach English here to the international students, and she said it might be a possibility, (I'd have to interview for the position and submit my résume, which the thought of just scares me. I think my résume is cursed - if I submit it to a job, there's like a 120% chance I won't get called back... such is life though I guess in this economy.

I mean, I know there a lot of people, seemingly, in my boat, but I don't know anyone else who just cannot, for the life of them, find a job, other than Rebecca and myself. It almost makes me feel like I wasted 6 years in college, putting in a lot of hard work, for nothing, if I can't get a job. I mean, I applied to good jobs that i was underqualified for, jobs I was perfectly qualified for, and jobs that I was overqualified for (front desk receptionist?!) and I got nothing, for three months, so I'm not sure what i'm supposed to do. Do I wait, not being able to pay off any of my bills, or do I do say goodbye to my education and take a new path?

I guess that is one semi-new crossroads that I am at. I still have the desire to move back to France, it's still there, very strong, but I'm just not sure how to make all the xs cross and actually do it, but I refuse to get stuck into a job and a career that just "makes money" for the sake of keeping me alive - that is no way to live life. I have the opportunity, maybe, to become a teacher here, and the money wouldn't be too great - but it would get me something, and I could use the teaching experience in that to get back to France and teach there. In fact, it might be one of the only ways that I could actually go back there and make some type of living for myself. I don't speak French fluently enough to work a real job, (my last blog post took me over an hour and a half to write,) although my French is getting a lot better.

I think if I take this route, if I get this CELTA certificate, (like the TEFL but more accepted world-wide,) I would be able to work here for a year, giving me a total of two years' teaching experience, then I could get a job that pays the equivalent of about $35,000 a year teaching english in France. My plan then would be to save up and get my Masters degree in France (is Masters capitalized?) which would allow me to get a better job, but I am feeling more and more drawn to the education field the longer I live. I feel that my personality, the way God made me, is not suited to the sale and production and marketing and advertising of widgets. I want to feel that at the end of the day, i have made a real impact on people, made a change to someone's life, and the thing that frustrates me so is that I've known this for a long time. How are you, at 18, when you go to college, supposed to know what the rest of your life should look like and what carreer path you should take? I chose HTM because I thought it would net me good money and that I'd be a nerd forever, but I find myself caring less and less about computers and technology everyday and more and more interested in people, in culture, in life, in art, in drama, in music, and in the things that give life purpose, not 1s and 0s.

So I could keep trying for jobs here that have something to do with my major, but each time I read over a job, I just look at it and I get this nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach thinking "I would hate doing that - why would I apply for that?" "oh - money, that's right." And then I turn around and look at the massive amount of hours I put into my current job which pays me pennies and feel that I don't mind working extra because I love doing it, and if I were able to teach here as well, that'd be pretty good. I figure I would love a teaching job here because the job I had in France teaching was the first job I had EVER had that I really, really, really liked, felt comfortable in, naturally good at, and that satisfied me at the end of the day. Every other job I've had in the business world left me feeling unsatisfied, left me feeling that no boss really cared what i did or how I felt or whether I put in extra hours here and there, they wanted numbers, products, solutions - and I can't stand the way people talk and act in the business community, all the little catch-phrases and hotwords that they use.

So, I don't know what to do.. still... it's been what... 3, 4 months since France was winding down, and I'm still caught in this afterparty of lostness, trying to figure out where my life should go. I hope that with more time and more thought, something will dawn on me- I have always been SO logical in my ability to parse things and take mounds of thought and come to a conclusion that is satisfying to me, but this time I just feel like it's too overwhelming. Each decision I make to take a step forward introduces two new problems that set me back, so I tread water and get nowhere, and I have not moved upstream in three months I feel.....

l'avenir

je m'assoie, ici à san diego, dans la canapé de mon ami, et il est 02h, je dors pas, je ne peux pas dormir, pour les derniers 4 jours j'ai dormi pas, parce que je réfléchis trop. Je veux écrire, mais en anglais c'est trop difficile parce que tous le monde comprend ce que je dis, et peut-être je veux dire des choses qu'ils ne veulent pas écouter ou savoir. Il me semble que si j'écris en français, ce que j'écris est encore un secret, connu seulement pour moi, même si je parle pas français, et quand je tape il y a plein des erreurs, je tape pour moi, je tape tous les choses que je veux. Donc...

Si seulement je savais ce que je voulais faire avec ma vie. Je suis venu en France parce que aux états-unis j'avais les nerfs à fleur de peau, ma vie était complètement... qu'est-ce que c'est le mot... un catastrophe? on peut dire ça? Ah bon, dans tous les cas, j'y suis venu, et j'étais changé. Je pense, quelque fois, que je suis un enculé. Est-ce que j'ai pensé vraiment que je pourrais habiter dans un autre pays pendant huit mois sans être complètement changé? Je pense pas que j'ai pensé à propos de cela avant d'aller en France, et maintenant que je suis chez moi, je suis perdu. Je me sens complètement perdu. Devrais-je revenir en France? Ahhh, j'ai mes mémoires, et des souvenirs parce que je suis comme ça - toujours romantique, toujours sentimental, je tombe amoureux avec une ville, (si on peut dire ça), avec une langue, avec des amis, avec de ce qui est diffèrent, ce qui est spécial, cependant, si je suis revenu en France, serait-il parait qu'avant? Valentin n'est plus là, les élèves avec qui j'étais le plus proche ne sont pas, et je n'aime pas le changement. Si j'enseigne à un autre lycée, je sais que j'aimerai pas le lycée parce que j'aurai toujours des mémoires d'HQE et que tous les jours, n'importe quelle a passé dans ma vie, n'importe quelle, j'étais toujours heureux là. Et je suis sentimental, je n'aime pas quand la vie change et est diffèrent.

Le rêve Américain. Je me souviens que plein des fois j'ai discuté avec mes élèves ce rêve, mais je ne suis plus sûr que je VEUX ce rêve, que je veux rester aux états-unis. C'est quoi le rêve américain? Est-il travailler? Est-il acheter une grande maison ou avoir une voiture très riche? J'ai trouvé, (et peut-être je connais pas mon propre pays), que comme quelqu'un qui a 27 ans, je regarde autour de moi et je vois un société très matérialiste. Tous le monde travail et travail et travail, mais jamais personne ne devient riche. A l'Amérique, tous le monde a de la dette, beaucoup de la dette, personne semble heureux, sa vie est consommé et dévoré pour son travail, le désir de gagner plus et plus et plus. Et je me trouve con parce que j'ai cru complètement que comment on vit aux états-unis était bien, et avec juste huit mois dans un autre pays je trouve maintenant qu'un autre "manière de vivre" et "plus bien." Peut-être je ne peux pas admettre que j'avais tort, ou peut-être mon fier est trop fort et pour ça je reste ici, ou... peut-être j'ai peur de quitter, ou peut-être je n'ai pas de l'argent et l'idée de quitter et travailler en France semble fou maintenant. Je pourrais travailler ici pour quelque années, économiser de l'argent, et emménager plus tard en France. Est-il l'immaturité qui me cause penser que je peux quitter ce pays, avec plein de la dette, sans du travail, sans un idée concrète de ce que je ferais là? Je pense que peut-être j'aimerais travailler encore avec les lycéens, et après, aller à l'université là-bas en France et étudier, peut-être pour obtenir un maîtrise de Français? Mais peut-être ça c'est juste un rêve bête. Il faut rester ici aux états-unis et être américain, parce que cela c'est ce que je suis. Je ne suis pas français... peut-être que je ne jamais devenir français, mais peut-être que je pourrais. Comment je peux savoir? Et si j'y vais, j'y vais tout seul, c'est impossible que ma copine viendrait avec moi, mais qui sait si ça marcherait quand même... Prends-je une décision de rester ou déménager uniquement à cause d'elle? Ou à cause de l'argent?

Les américains sont toujours enseignés de penser logiquement. La logique me dit "Brian, si ta cœur veut vraiment "redéménager" en France, si t'aime la France, la langue, si en fait tu pense vraiment que tu serais heureux là, vas-y! Mais, (et le "mais" est très important) tu dois attendre. Tu n'a pas maintenant de l'argent pour aller, tu dois d'abord éliminer ta dette, trouver comment tu habiterais là et avoir une vie là, sans l'aide de tes parents, sans l'aide de tes amis, parce que dans ce monde, tu est tout seul, est cela c'est un fait." Alors... peut-être je vais attendre...

Je suppose la question que je demande, s'il y a un question, est "veux-je vraiment habiter là, ou est-il juste que je n'aime pas les états-unis?" Je sais plus...

Si vous lisez ce que j'écris, vous êtes évidement français, et je vous connais dans quelque égard. Si vous avez des conseils sur ce que je devrais faire, j'aimerais bien l'écouter. Depuis que je suis revenu chez moi, j'ai été perdu. Je sais que je préférais habiter en Europe, mais je sais pas si je peux quitter tout ce que je connais et forger et établir une nouvelle vie.

Je m'en fous si personne comprend ce que j'ai dit, je comprends, et peut-être je peux lire ce que j'ai écrit et réfléchir et finalement décider de ce que je devrais faire.....

Prendre le temps de vivre

mercredi 13 juillet 2005.

Prendre le temps de vivre
Et regarder la vie
Le ciel qui brille à son zénith
Les larmes de joie d’un bébé
Une pêche belle à croquer
La brise qui s’envole
L’air du temps qui s’en va en sifflotant
La ritournelle pour une belle
Ces bisous pour mon présent

Prendre le temps de remercier
L’amour de ses bienfaits
De son sourire doucement offert
De cette main qui était et est toujours là
De ces gestes de tendresse fait sans y avoir pensé

Prendre le temps de regarder
La rose qui va éclore
L’olivier qui va pousser
Le jasmin qui fait tant de bien
L’oranger couleur d’été
La fourmi qui persévère
Le rai de lumière qui fait des ombres chinoises
Le silence si lourd de sens

Prendre le temps de respirer
Le temps qui passe sans compter
Le temps qui enlace mes pensées
Le temps qui m’offre sa sérénité

Prendre le temps de perdre mon temps
Juste pour voir le temps présent s’envoler
Juste le plaisir de sentir le doux frisson
De laisser le temps prendre son temps
Un instant

Prendre le temps de vivre
Et regarder la vie
Prendre le temps de remercier
L’amour de ses bienfaits
Prendre le temps de regarder
La rose qui va éclore
Prendre le temps de respirer
Le temps qui passe sans compter
Prendre le temps de perdre mon temps
Juste pour voir le présent s’envoler.

© morjane ) http://www.poesie-amour.com/article730.html

up in the air, and not coming down anytime soon.

This whole "move away for a year thing then come back and feel like a stranger in the country you grew up in" thing has been tough.  And also, in retrospect, I probably should have made the name of my blog something like "holycrapillbeinfrancebetweenaugust2008andapril2009butthenillcomehomeandwanttocontinuewriting.blogspot.com

but I digress.  I guess this era of what I write will have to do more with readjusting than it will with France, but I guess that is interesting too.  I'm trying to find a balance between what I loved about France, and what I know I do love about the United States.  I got back to San Diego last week, and I'm staying with some friends who told me I could stay here as long as I want rent-free, which is... really nice of them.  I'm looking for a job here.  Since everrything is up in the air, I sent in my application to be an assistant again, but I'm two months late on it, (cause I was like - there teaching...) so I don't know if that will work out.  Everything is just crazy.  Tomorrow I am heading down to the DMV where I will take (again) my written motorcycle test, (I passed it like 2 years ago but didn't have any money to actually buy a bike so I didn't get my license,) then my friend Jules said she would just straight let me USE her bike, which is awesome.  So, I'm hoping soon I will get my license for that, since I don't have a car, or a job - that's pretty cool.  

So I find myself looking for jobs here, finding ways that I'd like to use my intelligence and potential here in the States, but like I've said before.. everything just seems so up in the air.  I guess this weekend was really helpful for me though.  I got to hang out with Ken, go to Fry's, eat pho, smell the san diego air, listen to music I'd missed over the past 9 months - all of those things made me remember home, which was good.  Still, I have absolutely no job prospects, and everything i apply for keeping shoving its nose at me.  Maybe I am not good enough to do what I want, but then again, I can't think of a single thing I've ever just given up at before... so I guess I'll keep barking up this tree and see what happens.

hey! America!

So, I was standing out in front of tap ex last night with Rebecca, and I realized I only had $3 with me.  I casually asked Rebecca if she had a dollar on her, and some random girl was like "oh I do, here you go!," like some cavaliering do-gooder, and handed me a nice crisp one dollar bill.  In astonishment, I responded "um, are you sure?" as though her good intentions were to be questioned, but she remained adamant and said "yeah totally!" 

Though this had never happened before, (I mean, Americans are generally known as being nice, but not to the point where strangers randomly give you money every time you need it,) I thought this was fate poking me in the face and saying "hey, this place is a nice place to live too!"

can I go back? and can she come too?

It's been about a week since I left France.  I'm trying to find ways to go back.  I guess part of growing up is deciding who you listen to, because you obviously can't listen to everyone, but you also can't listen to no one.  I have people telling me I should go back, that I was such a good teacher, I have others telling me I just have culture shock and that it will "go away," but I don't want it to go away.  I liked living in France.  I want to take Rebecca, steal her, and go back to France.

I have been thinking of ways I could accomplish this.  I've always wanted to do a Master's Degree, I always thought it would be interested, regardless of what it was in.  So I was thinking, what if Rebecca and I went back to France this upcoming year, and I was an assistant again.  She could get a job working in an english pub or something, they have jobs like that, and the two of us could learn French together, (what better way than doing it there, right?)  and then after that if she wanted to, she could also do her masters (because she wants to as well.)  I have to research whether or not they have programs at any univerisities in English.  

I mean, I'm not saying that I am ready to turn in my US citizenship and spring for a French one, but I know this - that I really enjoyed living there, and I feel like I am not done yet.  I want to become more fluent in French, I really like the language, and I don't feel like I belong here in the States right now.  So, we'll see how this attitude changes over the next month or two...

housing and jobs

Warning: this post is kinda negative.

Writing can be very theraputic.  I've spent the last several months now trying to find a job for when I come home, and a house to go along with that.  I'm afraid that Europe, its lifestyle, its outlook on life, its "day to day" has changed me, a lot.  I know what half of you are going to say, "Yes, you had an experience there, but don't worry, you'll get back into the swing of things once you get back," and I guess, from my experience here I couldn't rightfully say that you're wrong. I mean, I hated France when after a few months of living here, and look at me now, but... right now is what matters I guess, because right now is when I am looking for an apartment, right now is when I'm looking for a job.  It seems that, in San Diego especially, all the houses I'm looking for are so........ timid, or crazy.  Everyone wants to stress that they're either a.) very calm, quiet, they don't party, they don't really want you to have people over, they live their life and want you to live yours, they don't want to become friends - you are renting a space to sleep and a shower to use.  Or b.) they do drugs, smoke, drink all the time, probably have a very dirty house, are irresponsible, and are going to filling my ears nightly with loud sex.  So, I miss my housing options in France, where people (Amanda first told this to me, and I didn't believe her until I witnessed it myself) can kind of...... do both.  They don't "just go out on Fridays to completely unwind," they do stuff each night of the week, even if it's something small.  Life here revolves around life, not work, not making tons of money.  And I'm having a really hard time finding a place with people that understand that.  I mean - I didn't before I came here, so why would I expect anyone else to?  I just want to live with people who want to live, enjoy life, who are looking for more than just roommates.  I mean, my postings when I was looking for tenants were always like that, long before I moved to France.  But when half the things I see are like "room. $500. no smoking/ppl sleeping over."  and that's IT, I mean - how does that person EVER get someone to live there?  They must, because most people posting rooms have posted rooms before, but.. I duno, I just wanna find something where the people seem nice, laidback, responsible, but who still want to have fun.  I guess I'm subconsciously looking for the place I lived at here in France, and I don't know if I'll find it. 

As far as jobs go, I duno... I've had many conversations with people here about America - Rebecca and I were just talking about how in the States, you can do ANYTHING.  We have that entrapreneurial spirit that allows for the best to come out of people and their ideas, but we also work our asses off, 40, 50, 60 hours a week, and I don't want to do that.  I mean, I really don't.  The idea of paying $700/month for a place freaks me OUT now, after paying 250€.  I'm not saying I expect to find that in SD, it's a bigger city, America is more expensive, but, I don't know.. I duno how to explain it.  I'm not sure I want the materialism of my own country anymore.  I'm tired of every house listing sounding like you're getting to live in the White House for ONLY $xxx per month.  I'm tired of every job listing requiring 4,000 year of experience in the field in question.  As for jobs, I'm not sure how different it would be here in France, I won't speculate because I haven't looked, but as far as jobs, this isn't as much a question of "SD vs. France" as it is my general frustration with job searching.  I've been applying for jobs for about 2 months, and I think I'm damn interesting, a good candidate, and that any company would probably benefit from having me, but I haven't gotten any calls or any emails.  It just sucks, and it's getting to me.

If anyone has any ideas for either of these situations that DOESN'T involve something like "move back to France!" or "move to [insert city name of the US where you live here,] I would love to hear them.....

damn you Paris.

Well, I deserve to get my name written on the board with 2 checkmarks next to it for this blunder.  I thought, hey, it would be fun to spend 2 days in Paris before I go home, you know, to kind of tie together all the loose ends of my trip, anend it in the same place I began it.

What I forgot what that Paris is the effing city of love.  I think I am the SOLE person here who is not walking around hand in hand taking wedding photos or making children with someone, but I did kind of have a fun renting a bike for 1 euro and riding around Paris for six hours - seriously.

I am really, really sad today - and this WHOLE big thing finally got to me today once I got back to my hostel room.  I sat down, and just started crying.  I have no idea why, I never cry.  I guess I just REALLY miss my kids, and I really miss Rebecca, and I really miss Calais, and I'm not ready for this part of my life to be over.

well I've been waiting for a while......

I wrote this stanza to a poem several months ago, during the midst of my worst month in France.  I can say that finally, my request of the song has been fulfilled.  And about that, I am happy.

And one day this old world
will win back my heart and I'll be cured
from the apathy that's conquered her
and you'll be waiting there

This country, this place, these people, this life - it has won back my heart and I have been cured, and the apathy that had conquered my heart has been defeated, and the love of my life waits for me in a city thousands of miles away.

I will see her soon though.

sentimentality strikes the American

I guess this is a post that is for me and the hundreds of people in France that won't read it more than it is for anyone back home, marking the first thing I've written written from this angle.  

Today is my last full day here in Calais, and though I've said it a hundred times already, I'm really sad.  Though I am an emotional person in general, there are few things in life other than songs and God that can really make me tear up, but alas, the country that turned me hostile to it within a few months of being here has now reigned me in and converted me, and I can say with complete conviction that I feel I am leaving the first place I call home since leaving San Jose, 6 years ago.

I have put off writing this, mainly because I felt there was too much to say, things that only existed in my head and couldn't be put out onto paper.  As I was telling the last class of mine yesterday, it's very difficult for me to have to come the conclusions to which I have come, because as someone who prides himself on his logic and mind, I'm not sure how I got it all so wrong.  Faith, in a lot of things, and in a lot of forms, has always been a strong part of who I am as a person, it has come a long way in defining me - just - believing things, or believing in things, even when I have no proof.  But science, logic, proof, equations - they have also been a huge part of me.  From the first time I took the Myers-Briggs personality test way back in the day (People Types and Tiger Stripes!) to when I just took it again a few months ago for fun, my "Thinking/Feeling" meter has always, always been right in the middle, give or take.  I think I have come to the conclusion that this is good, because instead of "wondering which one I am," I think I look at this now as me just being strong in both of them, and that being better than someone who is just "heart" or someone who is just "head".

I came here thinking that the United States was the best country ever.  It was the best not because I lived there - because that answer would be too simple and could be easily taken apart logically.  If someone had shown me evidence that this were wrong, I would have changed my opinion, but part of the reason why I held this opinion was due to ignorance, in that I hadn't really gone out and searched for the truth myself, relying more on others' opinions and the general word of mouth I got from others, but also from the promises I had heard for ages about how and why my country was so good.  In the same way that I made this gem of a quote, 

"They talk about France's long history, its art, its music, but when I ask them to name things that are going on right now, in modern times, that showcase France's talent and world class culture, they tell me it doesn't exist anymore.  I sadly, sadly agree.  I feel that the massively socialistic system is really failing the people of France.  Pardon if you're French as you're reading this, but I feel that socialism has destroyed the French."

I was doing the same thing with my own country and not even realizing it.  I had called America the land of opportunity, cited that for hundreds of years people have sought freedom in America, made millions, left the oppression of their homeland for a better one, but I never really stopped to think if that were still the case.  I tend to always say what is on my mind, and what I really believe, and I really believed that when I said it, so I'm not ashamed that I did.  I don't feel at all like a hypocrite, or stupid for thinking one thing so strongly only a few months ago, then completely changing my mind.  I think that makes me smart and humble, being able to really admit that I was wrong.  That's probably a good quality to have in life.  So I thought the US was the best, and I gave plenty of lectures on why that was the case - why our freedoms to be what we wanted to do what we wanted was better than the downtrodden socialistic system that burdened the French and made them all turn out the same.  I duno - I guess I was seeing what I wanted to, instead of what was there.  

I was thinking one night, about a month ago, along the line of "what is happiness, and how do we attain it?" and in the simple mathematical and logical way that I try to always think of philosophical issues, I tried to understand the question I was asking and the players involved in that question.  My logic led me to this.  All of the factors leading up to happiness in a society, (meaning the collective happiness I see from those around me, and the percentage of people who either seem content/happy in life, or actually are content/happy in life) is something that is easily observable.  It's not a perfect measure, but it's possible to see.  In a way, it's much more... reliable than taking a survey or doing a study, maybe, because you're witnessing people, over time, in their natural state.  Sometimes I talked to people about it, sometimes I observed conversations, sometimes I just walked down the street and observed society, the interactions between other people, the way parents treated children, children treated parents, strangers treated one another, bus drivers treated drivers, smokers treated non-smokers, drunk kids at 3am treated houses they walked by, rich men in BMWs (Bee-emm-doo-bluh-vay sounds SO much cooler than Bee-Emm-Double-You) treated people employed as street sweepers, and I came to the conclusion that the people I had first thought were so... overburdened by a heavy tax system and condemned to live in a society that was different from the US were actually happy.  You see - I had equated happiness with education I saw education, with richness, in the general sense, as i saw richness, as the size of one's house mattering, that having a front lawn was important, or being able to find Asian food in the grocery store, or being able to easily get Internet access.  I never stopped to think that my initial basis for judging happiness was off, or maybe even downright WRONG.  Let me continue this explanation using math for a second.  I had come to France, and spent a few months here drawing up that because the relative values of the following formula were higher in the United States.  While in reality, the values I used for my answer were probably ten old the size of this list, the example will still work. For example, I said that:

 a+b+c+d+e = f

where a through e are different things that make up happiness.  Let's say a stands for my ideas of personal freedom, b meant the possibility for wealth, etc etc.  To a, I gave the completely subjective value of 5, to b 12, to c 1, to d 4, and to e 3, meaning that

5+12+1+4+3 = 25

now when I looked at my perception of French culture, and their values in this, (note I say my perception because not only was I not using the honest values, I was giving a subjective weight to a perceived value judged through a bias...) I thought it looked maybe something like this:

4+6+3+5+1 = 19

Therefore, since 25> 19, America was better than France.  Obviously, as I said before, my theorem for this a lot more complex, but logically, it pretty much came out in my head the same way, as this mathematical formula where America had a higher value than France.

My formula broke down that one night I went for a walk and started thinking, and it hit me like a "f***ton of bricks."  I had previously come to the conclusion that because of the values on the left side of the equation adding up to a greater number, in a way, my logic was correct, and that the US was a much better country, but it hit me that French people are, in fact, happier than Americans.  I thought of my everyday encounters with shopkeepers, random people on the street, people at work, students, parents, children, mothers of friends, people who bum cigarettes off me, random people in the train station that I witness having a conversation with someone else - people. are. happy. here.  In fact, that are, by and by, MORE happy than the general population of the United States.  Therefore, I realized that my original analysis must have been wrong.  I was TRYING to keep my opinion that America was a happier and better country - or - that my chances of living a happy life were greater in America, but if in that equation, France's "happiness" value was actually higher, as I was observing, (so not 25 > 19, but rather 25 <>

Basically, I said that in the States, you can be happier because of this and this and this, until I realized that that and that and that weren't ever the reasons why I was happy in America before, and are definitely not really the things I want out of life in the first place to make myself happy, and that the things I really want to be happy in life are here.  This is something I realized I could never really SAY about America.  Of course, we SAY that one should follow the golden rule, treat others like you would want to be treated, but we don't actually DO it.  We might do it to our friends, or our families, or our neighbors if we're close, but it is not this general idea ingrained into the heart of society.  One of my teachers expressed it as "the catholic culture that has pervaded our society and still lives deeply within it, regardless of how many people are actively religious."  So, I can see how someone reading this might look and say "but wait, you said just a few months ago Brian that the United States was all these things that you're now saying France is!  You must just be finally liking the country, so you're seeing through rose colored windows," but that isn't it.  I made sure of that this time in doing my analysis.

Don't even get me started on how amazing the one month was that Rebecca spent with me here was.  The only thing I am missing here is my love.  I think that would make France complete.  The funny thing is, I can say that in complete honesty and still understand that France lacks things that the US has.  I realize, if at some point in the future I were to move back here let's say, I would have a really hard time REALLY learning French, not like "hey I can teach French kids English," but like "I can actually work at a job where my language skills do not prohibit me."  I would also never be French, I would always be a foreigner, and there would always be things I miss about the States, the food, the multiculturalism, maybe the prospect of making a lot of money, (because while that's not something I want NOW, I might change, and what better place to make millions than the States?) that I would never have here, but the strange thing that I find is that that doesn't matter to me, because of what I stated above - I am happy here! My equation for happiness had been wrong in the past, so SO many of the things I thought mattered to me just don't anymore... so many of the things that I thought I needed to be happy I don't anymore, and the things that make me happy seem to exist in this country.  I mean, I would miss my family a TON if I ever moved, but that has always been in the back of my mind since I started dating.. that last girl I dated..., you know, since she was always in love with France, i figured one day I might move there, and that feeling has become much more real since dating Rebecca, being from a different country and all, and having travelled the world and wanting to go back to it.  So secretly, in the back of my head, I've been thinking for a while about the world, and what it would be like to live "there."  After a few months here, you know, during my "dark" phase, I thought that France was definitely the end of my travel-the-world phase, and that once I got back to the States I would never want to leave again, but... I duno - this place changed me.  I am hungry for more now.  I don't want to come home.  I literally do not want to get on that plane and come home.  And it has nothing to do with my family, or my girlfriend, or my friends, or pho (no seriously, it's important.)  I guess if I could I would bring them all here, but I can't.  So I'll go home and I'll try not to be emotional, but logical, and really judge the two countries having now an experience in them both to decide whether or not I want to stay, or come back.  You know, after living here for 3 months or so I thought Amanda was crazy, or mentally-ill in some way to have been here for 5 years without wanting to claw her eyeballs out, or maybe I thought Bordeaux must just be a really cool city, but... now I see why she stays.  You know, it's interesting - I am not a person who is easily... wowed, and my heart, and my life, and... so many things about me were in such a rut, as many of you know, over the last few years with everything that happened to me.  Meeting Rebecca and starting to date her was the first breath of fresh air that my tired lungs had had since before I could remember, and that... learning how to breathe again... that came from here.  I can say that for the first time since high school, I am a genuinely HAPPY person, everyday when I wake up, I am happy, regardless of what comes my way, I am happy.  I have been trying, for many years now, to "get back to where I was when I was younger" in terms of my outlook on the word, not being bitter and cold and not impressed by anything and just.. so negative, but nothing has been able to do that to me, or for me, at home, until I met Rebecca, and what started with her has been completed here in France.  

I think this might have something to do with why I am at such a crossroads.  If only I could have both of them.  If I had to choose, I obviously choose her, because no country, no matter what it ,) does for me, can ever replace love, (and this love I feel for Rebecca is especially strong) but if I still feel the way I feel right now in a year, I'm probably going to steal her and fly back here, (which she's already told me is perfectly okay with her :) )  I mean, I want to keep an open mind, above all, right?  I might come back to the States and find that *I* have changed, and that that is enough for me to keep a piece of France inside of me and make a life and a future back at home, but I may not find that.  I may find that I want to move to Australia, or France, or who knows, maybe I'll want to try a new country in a year - I don't know, which is why I want to give it time.  

I think, at the end of all of this, when all is said and done, I can look back and say I am really, really glad that I did this.  Through whatever good and bad circumstances landed on me while I've been here, I am leaving the better, I am leaving with a much greater sense of life, of who I am, of what I want in life.  My constant quest to answer life's questions have become much clearer in the last month, and I have the 6 previous months to thank for that.  I have spent many many hours on the phone with Rebecca over these last few months, almost every day, and that has made such an impact on me continuing to keep a strong relationship with her even though I've been physically absent.  I think once I get back I won't have any difficulty talking to her about any of this, since she already knows exactly what's going on in my mind regarding all of this.  I guess we will just have to see.

So, I guess in another few days (I'm spending a few days in Paris,) I will no longer be in France, but my thoughts pertaining to the country will hopefully still resonate with me for quite a while, so.. I hope to keep writing on this and cataloguing my thoughts, on the chance I do come back.

to all those wondering...

i pwn at life.

Mexico and France

"I'm depressed now. I want to go back," was the sentiment that registered most clearly in my head in the months passing after I came back from living in Mexico for a summer. I remember feeling so at peace when living there, even if life was really hard and several times I wanted to call it quits and come home. That was nothing like this is - this is a walk in the park, a breeze, compared to what I endured in Mexico, but I have grown, slowly to love this place and call it home, and just when I have learned to call it home, I am leaving again. Woe is me.

I'm trying to cope with the idea that I spent five months not really liking it here only to grow to be fighting the desire to leave and question why I am going back in the first place. I have no idea what I want to do when I get back, and though I've applied for several jobs back home, I haven't heard any word back from employers - it's graduation all over again. I've worked on my resume, gotten feedback, reapplied, but still nothing. Since I was young, I had always had dreams of becoming a teacher, and I got my first taste of it last year during French class, when my teacher would be absent, I would ask people to stay so that I could teach class in her stead, and everyone would tell me that I was really good at it, and that they finally understood things they had not understood before. And now, that is happening again. Four of my teachers, at different times, have told me here "ce que tu as fait avant, il faut arrêter et devenir prof," whatever you did before, you need to stop and become a teacher, because, who knows, maybe it runs in my blood if the evidence of my father and aunts and uncles and cousins are any indication of who I am. I'm stuggling, because my last job before come here was so unfulfilling. I had so much potential and so many things I wanted to do in my work environment, but oh, young was I, and experienced were the lips I was speaking from, so though the employees listened to me and told me I was a great leader and had great ideas, they never rose up to the mountains of the managers, because - well, I don't really know why, because they were stupid I guess, but that job is my only experience of the software world, of "the real world," and it was not a very pleasant one, so compared to this job, which I absolutely love coming to, I question what I should do when I get home.

Should I go back to school and get my masters? Should I get a teaching credential? I don't know, I've always felt I wanted to spend a few years proving myself in the business world, just to show I could do it, that I could apply my intelligence to something and win, because that's what I do, I win at things, and afterwards, later in life maybe, become a teacher. Maybe I'll still do that, maybe I won't, but I need something to prove myself in first, and no one is calling. I spent a good amount of time talking to Rebecca about this last night, about when I come home, were I to want to get a master's degree, what subject would I choose? Economics? Psychology? Communications? Should I go for a law degree, or become a doctor? Maybe I could get it in French, but that's only really useful if I want to do something in French maybe. What about trying to become President? Go into politics, affect change that way. I've thought of it all, and I want to do it all.

And I keep coming back to the part of me that wrote the second to last entry here, about looking around and seeing people who seem content, much more so than where I come from. I went to buy some rice last night at the store, but it was closed, yet I remembered that about a mile away there was a little asian restaurant, and maybe I could score a hit of rice off of them, so I walked down there and the woman who ran the store was closing up, so I asked her if I could buy some rice, and about an hour later I left the store, after having a wonderful conversation with her about anything and everything - and this is commonplace here. Everyone has time to talk, everyone is nice. On the contrary, I remember going in and buying cigarettes in San Diego and I'd always try to say things to the person working there, "wow it's a beautiful day today, isn't it?" or "so how's business going?" and most of the time I would just get blank stares, or "$3.58," I mean, that's not how I want to live - those aren't the types of people I want to spend the rest of my life around....

I duno... the bell just rang, I have class.

addendum to what I said yesterday

I've been thinking a lot about what I said yesterday, and I've gotten a lot of responses on the subject. I wanted to maintain that what I said was purely conjecture, as I truly have not made up any opinion about the two countries yet. I love my country, and I think that in a lot of ways, countries like France are able to "care so little," maybe, about things like technological advances or the development of new things because other countries like America and Japan, highly capitalistic countries, do it for them. I mean, when was the last time a good invention came out of Europe? I can't think of any off the top of my head. So, because of the cultural atmosphere in the United States, the "gold medal or bronze medal" approach, the "make it or fall flat" approach, yes there is a lot more stress, yes there is a highly materialistic (in general) mindset, but it also allows us to kind of... see humanity to its fullest. We invented Google, Apple, Microsoft, a lot of modern medical technology, scientific discoveries and social initiatives, and I think still, and probably always will, that our government, in theory, run for the people and by the people, is by far the best system out there. My only big point in yesterday's blog was to address all of the things about European lifestyle that I really liked, and how, maybe if I don't want to live in a society that is "either gold medal or bronze," with very little room for someone to have a silver medal and be content with that, I could always move to a country where the bulk of people had silver medals, and everyone was okay with that.

I hope this clears some stuff up. I have come to the conclusion that both societies work for their respective citizens, and I think, if nothing else, I have found that there are a lot of points of view in French culture that I hope I keep with me for the remainder of my life, things that I think will benefit me a lot in the long run, things that I hope to take back with me and incorporate into my life because I think ultimately that Europe is too european and American is too american, and maybe the best person is the one who finds the balance in both.

Happy Happy France

I enjoy commas.

I realized today that I will soon be leaving France.  I have had this realization before, but this time it's real.  I'm sure it will also be more real in a few weeks when it's closer to my leave date, but at least for now, I'm really starting to reflect upon all that I've learned since getting here.

I remember getting here, after taking French for two semesters, a sordid mix between someone who was running away from something, (though the thing he thought he was originally running away from wasn't, in the end, what he found he was running from,) and someone who really was excited about the opportunity of living in France, the land of wine, bread, cheese, and l'amour.  I guess, what I found in the end, was, in many ways, what I had come here looking for in the first place, but what I failed to understand was that in order to enjoy that which I wanted to enjoy before I left, I had to first understand so many things about not only myself, but the country of France as well.  I wanted to experience a dream - a vision of a country that I'd had through old friends, movies, American culture, the past, maybe a book or a commercial or the way the French were portrayed in Monthy Python's Holy Grail sketch. (I faart in your generaal die-rek-shawnnn)  Even the videos that I watched in French 1 and 2 about a fake set of friends who went to cafés and spoke French while having dinner parties and sampling wines and talking about old French artists was somehow in my head as "the France" that I would experience too.  And I guess in some ways I have, but in order to realize that, I first had to spend 6 months getting over it.

When I came to France, I automatically realized how American I was.  I never though this before, since I have always tried to be myself, and always found that that self was almost always different from everyone else around me.  I know everyone says that, but... I was always the odd one out.  Whether it was in a bad way, at school, or a good way, at church, whether I was made the center of attention for the purpose of ridicule, at school, or the purpose of jest, at church, I was always, at least I felt so, looked upon as being "different" from all the other kids.  So I naturally came to believe that I was, indeed, not as American as my American counterparts, but instead I enjoyed a very brianpowellesque way of life, which turned out, to be a very brianpowellesque way of life with a heavy dose of Americanism in it.

My inability to be French, or maybe to become French, is partially a fault of the circumstances in which I find myself.  I am a teacher, brought to teach not English, but ME; I am the subject.  My culture, my views, my accent - everything, I am here to teach that one thing that I have that their teachers do not - authentic americanisms.  For this reason, I started really looking at what my culture was, at what it taught, at who it made us out to be.  I spent hours talking with French people, whether it was "what do you think about [            ]," or "what do you desire from [         ]?"  From my students, to my teachers, to my roommates, to random people I've met of all ages, I embarked on a quest to understand France, and it has taken me six months to realize that in all this time, I have come much closer to understanding them, but have failed to relish in them as well.  I spent six months with a microscope to their culture, their way of life, often critiquing how mine was better, how one is more free where I come from, where one can have a better life, which made me think about freedom and life all the more.

I ran into the problem of missing my girlfriend in San Diego, and spending more and more time thinking about her and talking to her, going to whatever lengths I could - walking a mile, (or some-odd kilometres,) just to find a phone booth at 3am so i could call her, and I never lost touch with America, whether it was because of facebook, AIM, WoW, American news, American music, my constant love for other countries too, my sudden increased interest in Spanish again now that my language center was being stimulated, I guess I just found an inability to truly lose myself in the culture, although i was trying to, or not trying to, depending on the day and my approach to how to best enjoy myself here.

Regardless, the last few weeks I have started to do what I came here for.  I've started walking around town, going into a café for a quick cup of coffee, and sitting there at the bar talking for thirty minutes to the bartender, for no reason - just to talk.  I've started trying to use frenchisms - words that mean nothing but still convey meaning.  Like how we say "like" all the time.  I've spent a lot of time listening, listening to accents, to words, trying to learn new things, new roads, new people, trying to get out of France what I thought i would get out when I decided to come here, and it has been working.  I have felt, for the first time since coming here, a sense of sadness that I will be leaving.  And not just a sadness of leaving, but the sadness of losing something that I enjoy.  There are many, many pieces of French culture I enjoy, but it's so hard to put down in words, because I feel like they are a conflict in my head.  

• I enjoy having big houses, lawns and fences, but I like what small, compact houses, everywhere, does for community, how everyone walks everywhere because - well, driving here is kind of a hassle, and they have amazing mass transit, (a simple system of buses that hold to them no socioeconomic ties as I think our buses do,) and everything is close because everything is compact.
  
• I enjoy the freedom to be who you are in America, the idea that I, above all people, could be exactly who i want, that even though me and John Smith are both Americans, we resemble each other only slightly, in that maybe we both hold the ideals of our parents' parents' generations important, that freedom, progress, and free expression are important, however, sometimes having everyone be in the same boat is really nice.  
• I know a few of you reading this think of me and see the bp that you knew whenever you knew me, but I have changed, as people do, in many ways, and yet I remain the same, as they do as well, in many others.  I do not really pride myself on my arrogance anymore; I do not like to argue really, or prove points by shoving my answer so deep down someone's throat that they can no longer argue back.  People argue so much less here, they get along, they take their time with everything - as though LIFE, and the living of it, really mattered.  They don't see this of course because for them it's normal, daily life, but there is so much less stress about money, about the future, about good colleges or retirement funds or what their neighbors have or what car they drive.... the best way I can say is that people, by and by, seem much more content with life than those I see in the United States, and I live in a pretty crappy town which most people want to leave.
• This next one is tough, because I have seen, truly, only a small part of European culture, or French culture, or to be more specific, northern-French culture, but from what I've seen of youth, while they seem to lack what American youth have in terms of a desire to invent, be rich and famous, make the "next big thing," they make up for in being more well rounded and happier.  I don't see that kids here have as much a problem obeying authority.  They seem to understand that teachers are there to help them, that they're smarter, that adults should be listened to, and that they should try to be normal and fit into society.  While this doesn't give them the freedom of expression and freedom to be "who they are," as we have in the States, it makes everyone a lot nicer, and makes everyone fit into society a lot easier.  I don't see any kids who want to kill themselves, who cut their wrists, who dress in all black and hate the world; and while I would not say that these things are common in the US, there is definitely a big subculture of high school kids that feel lost, feel like they will never amount to anything, that they can't follow their dreams, and are kind of depressed.  I mean, I was never like that in high school, but I knew a lot of kids who were, and I know that a lot of kids NOW are, at an every increasing rate.  Maybe the freedom we give to our youth backfires in a way, giving them too much freedom to "be themselves" as they go through life,  and these ideas, propagated by our media, our television shows that are all about sex, violence, kids disobeying parents, our music, especially rap and hip-hop, that is all about sex, making money, fulfilling sensual and carnal pleasures, and our movies, which always tell stories about people who spent 95% of their lives completely screwing up, then work hard for a thirty-minute music scene and seem to have everything figured out - I can't help but feel like that leaves a vast majority of kids feeling like they've failed when they figure out that they're not like those stars in the films, that they will never become a famous music star, or a basketball player, or come up with the next Google or Apple.  I don't know, maybe resigning your kids to just "be content with having less than everything makes your society better in the end... who knows?  That leads me onto my next point
• I came here thinking that capitalism was better than socialism.  Coffee black and egg white, right?  I spent several months here thinking that, finding allllll the myriad problems that socialism creates, and spent hours telling my students why their economic and political systems left them in the dust.   Last week, something finally dawned on me - that I hadn't asked the original question, ever.  To what end does an economic system perpetuate itself? Does it exist to foster a country where someone has the greatest possibility of becoming rich if they work hard, is its aim that consumers always have the latest and greatest products regardless of who is put out of work to get it, or is the GOAL of the system to make as many people in society have "good enough lives," and to assure that most of your society has its basic needs met?  
  
  I'm kind of at a loss for words as to which is right.   I realize that because of capitalism being so strong in the United States, I have all these possibilities ahead of me in terms of work, I know that I *could*, if I wanted to, work my ass off day and night and become super rich, but what if I don't want that?  If I only want to work 40 hours a week am I resigned to a life that my peers will deem "second-class" because I can't afford the BMW, the nice house, the authentically-made hand-carved table shipped to me from a remote village in Africa or stock my wine cellar with wines that come from grapes that you've never heard of?  
  
  Or instead would it be better for me to be like my neighbor, to not have to worry about who drives a better car, because no one seems to care about that.  To live in a society where "excess" wealth is discouraged, but since more of society is at roughly the same level, people spend less time worrying about college payments, car payments, house payments, debt, and all of the........ extra baggage that seems to go along with the American dream?
  
  See, I don't mean this as a joke against myself, but I've always been a little bit stubborn.  I've always kind of thought I knew best, and I don't think this ever stemmed from arrogance or selfishness, but of an earnest and honest attempt to discover the world around me, live the best way I could, and be smart.  So an honest look at economics and lifestyle led me to fully believe that the more capitalistic a society was, the better.  Lazy people should not get anything, and kids should be encouraged to follow their dreams - I know I was, and I know it was one of the best lectures I gave while being here in France as to why the United States was better - because people have dreams and can pursue them.  I didn't like the fact that kids in France seemed so resigned to boring lives without a lot of materialistic pleasures and couldn't really choose between all of the various paths that we can in the States, but then part of me looks back now and says "well, I know in theory my system seems SO much better - but, but..."  But people seem happier here.  Everyone seems happier here, and this is freaking CALAIS.  It's a piece of crap city.  It's cold, there's "nothing to do," there are two supermarkets, not a ton of selection when it comes to organic food or things from other countries.  There are a few token Asian restaurants, and you can get to the mall in 15 minutes on the bus, but overall, it's a very underwhelming city - or...... it should be.  This place is against everything that I thought I wanted in a city, in life.  It seems that the idea of "keeping up with the Joneses" is SO ingrained into our psyche that we can't live without constantly judging our neighbor on what they have, and judging ourselves on whether we are doing well enough, stressing constantly over it.  Everyone I know seems to be in debt, except a few people who really are doing well and making lots of money.  Everyone here in turn seems to be so much more content, even if they don't have the moon and the stars tucked under their belt.  I see people talking a lot more, people walk everywhere, going through a grocery store checkout line takes forever because everyone talks to the cashier.  Nothing is rushed, there is no one telling you that you're going to be a failure in life because you only got a 3.8 GPA in high school, and to top it off, it's cold and dreary here most of the time - so why is everyone happier?  I see it in kids, I see it in youth, I see it in adults, I see it in people who have jobs we would consider crappy in the United States.  The dude who picks up my trash is always smiling, the woman who runs the fry stand a block from my house is always in a good mood, the teachers i work with seem to be pretty happy, and my kids - a great indicator of honesty - are always polite to me, nice to me, teachers, and other kids, they come to school and they have a good attitude, even if some of them don't give a crap about school or English, and - I don't know - I feel like i am repeating myself, but my overall conscious is that the vast majority of people in a crappy, cold city are happier than almost everyone I see in beautiful sunny San Diego.  There is no debate as to whether or not this is fact - it IS, I just don't know why.
  
  Is it the economic system?  Is it the culture?  Is it the way of life?  The much-less-stress life, the idea that having "enough" is actually something that MOST people believe, that spending time with people and friends, having dinner parties, drinking and smoking a lot more than we do in the States, and believing that life was meant to be enjoyed something that exists all around you?  I duno.  I look at friends who work 60 hours a week, have beautiful houses and cars, but whose only end in life seems to be to have more, and I ask myself "is that what I'll become someday?  If I choose to work in a career that I feel makes me happy, but only makes $35,000 a year, will I be crushed under the guilt that I feel all around me that I've chosen the easy path, the slacker path, the lazy man's path?"  When I look around me in the US, I feel like no one even KNOWS how to be happy sometimes, because everyone is so full of stress, so full of themselves, so full of what the next hottest trend will be.  After living here I don't WANT to spend money to buy a car anymore, I don't WANT to spend $50/month for a cell phone, I spent $250 a month for rent, I MAKE $650 a month, and I live fine!  I'm not rich, but I'm happy.  I can buy food, drink with friends, play WoW, go out a few times a week and play pool, ($2 for 30 minutes?), get a beer at a pub, (another $2), I can buy some new clothes when I need to...... everything just..... seems to work here, and it frustrates me because it hurts my pride, thinking that I came here thinking that France was so much worse than the States and finding in the end that there are a ton of things here that I really LOVE, and maybe if i were to spend another year here, I would come to the conclusion that I never wanted to go back, like Amanda did.  Who knows?

I have plenty more to say, but I think I'll give it a few days of reflection and end this post just shy of a novel. :)