Holy Crap I'm in France: Happy Happy France

I enjoy commas.

I realized today that I will soon be leaving France. I have had this realization before, but this time it's real. I'm sure it will also be more real in a few weeks when it's closer to my leave date, but at least for now, I'm really starting to reflect upon all that I've learned since getting here.

I remember getting here, after taking French for two semesters, a sordid mix between someone who was running away from something, (though the thing he thought he was originally running away from wasn't, in the end, what he found he was running from,) and someone who really was excited about the opportunity of living in France, the land of wine, bread, cheese, and l'amour. I guess, what I found in the end, was, in many ways, what I had come here looking for in the first place, but what I failed to understand was that in order to enjoy that which I wanted to enjoy before I left, I had to first understand so many things about not only myself, but the country of France as well. I wanted to experience a dream - a vision of a country that I'd had through old friends, movies, American culture, the past, maybe a book or a commercial or the way the French were portrayed in Monthy Python's Holy Grail sketch. (I faart in your generaal die-rek-shawnnn) Even the videos that I watched in French 1 and 2 about a fake set of friends who went to cafés and spoke French while having dinner parties and sampling wines and talking about old French artists was somehow in my head as "the France" that I would experience too. And I guess in some ways I have, but in order to realize that, I first had to spend 6 months getting over it.

When I came to France, I automatically realized how American I was. I never though this before, since I have always tried to be myself, and always found that that self was almost always different from everyone else around me. I know everyone says that, but... I was always the odd one out. Whether it was in a bad way, at school, or a good way, at church, whether I was made the center of attention for the purpose of ridicule, at school, or the purpose of jest, at church, I was always, at least I felt so, looked upon as being "different" from all the other kids. So I naturally came to believe that I was, indeed, not as American as my American counterparts, but instead I enjoyed a very brianpowellesque way of life, which turned out, to be a very brianpowellesque way of life with a heavy dose of Americanism in it.

My inability to be French, or maybe to become French, is partially a fault of the circumstances in which I find myself. I am a teacher, brought to teach not English, but ME; I am the subject. My culture, my views, my accent - everything, I am here to teach that one thing that I have that their teachers do not - authentic americanisms. For this reason, I started really looking at what my culture was, at what it taught, at who it made us out to be. I spent hours talking with French people, whether it was "what do you think about [ ]," or "what do you desire from [ ]?" From my students, to my teachers, to my roommates, to random people I've met of all ages, I embarked on a quest to understand France, and it has taken me six months to realize that in all this time, I have come much closer to understanding them, but have failed to relish in them as well. I spent six months with a microscope to their culture, their way of life, often critiquing how mine was better, how one is more free where I come from, where one can have a better life, which made me think about freedom and life all the more.

I ran into the problem of missing my girlfriend in San Diego, and spending more and more time thinking about her and talking to her, going to whatever lengths I could - walking a mile, (or some-odd kilometres,) just to find a phone booth at 3am so i could call her, and I never lost touch with America, whether it was because of facebook, AIM, WoW, American news, American music, my constant love for other countries too, my sudden increased interest in Spanish again now that my language center was being stimulated, I guess I just found an inability to truly lose myself in the culture, although i was trying to, or not trying to, depending on the day and my approach to how to best enjoy myself here.

Regardless, the last few weeks I have started to do what I came here for. I've started walking around town, going into a café for a quick cup of coffee, and sitting there at the bar talking for thirty minutes to the bartender, for no reason - just to talk. I've started trying to use frenchisms - words that mean nothing but still convey meaning. Like how we say "like" all the time. I've spent a lot of time listening, listening to accents, to words, trying to learn new things, new roads, new people, trying to get out of France what I thought i would get out when I decided to come here, and it has been working. I have felt, for the first time since coming here, a sense of sadness that I will be leaving. And not just a sadness of leaving, but the sadness of losing something that I enjoy. There are many, many pieces of French culture I enjoy, but it's so hard to put down in words, because I feel like they are a conflict in my head.

I enjoy having big houses, lawns and fences, but I like what small, compact houses, everywhere, does for community, how everyone walks everywhere because - well, driving here is kind of a hassle, and they have amazing mass transit, (a simple system of buses that hold to them no socioeconomic ties as I think our buses do,) and everything is close because everything is compact.
I enjoy the freedom to be who you are in America, the idea that I, above all people, could be exactly who i want, that even though me and John Smith are both Americans, we resemble each other only slightly, in that maybe we both hold the ideals of our parents' parents' generations important, that freedom, progress, and free expression are important, however, sometimes having everyone be in the same boat is really nice.
I know a few of you reading this think of me and see the bp that you knew whenever you knew me, but I have changed, as people do, in many ways, and yet I remain the same, as they do as well, in many others. I do not really pride myself on my arrogance anymore; I do not like to argue really, or prove points by shoving my answer so deep down someone's throat that they can no longer argue back. People argue so much less here, they get along, they take their time with everything - as though LIFE, and the living of it, really mattered. They don't see this of course because for them it's normal, daily life, but there is so much less stress about money, about the future, about good colleges or retirement funds or what their neighbors have or what car they drive.... the best way I can say is that people, by and by, seem much more content with life than those I see in the United States, and I live in a pretty crappy town which most people want to leave.
This next one is tough, because I have seen, truly, only a small part of European culture, or French culture, or to be more specific, northern-French culture, but from what I've seen of youth, while they seem to lack what American youth have in terms of a desire to invent, be rich and famous, make the "next big thing," they make up for in being more well rounded and happier. I don't see that kids here have as much a problem obeying authority. They seem to understand that teachers are there to help them, that they're smarter, that adults should be listened to, and that they should try to be normal and fit into society. While this doesn't give them the freedom of expression and freedom to be "who they are," as we have in the States, it makes everyone a lot nicer, and makes everyone fit into society a lot easier. I don't see any kids who want to kill themselves, who cut their wrists, who dress in all black and hate the world; and while I would not say that these things are common in the US, there is definitely a big subculture of high school kids that feel lost, feel like they will never amount to anything, that they can't follow their dreams, and are kind of depressed. I mean, I was never like that in high school, but I knew a lot of kids who were, and I know that a lot of kids NOW are, at an every increasing rate. Maybe the freedom we give to our youth backfires in a way, giving them too much freedom to "be themselves" as they go through life, and these ideas, propagated by our media, our television shows that are all about sex, violence, kids disobeying parents, our music, especially rap and hip-hop, that is all about sex, making money, fulfilling sensual and carnal pleasures, and our movies, which always tell stories about people who spent 95% of their lives completely screwing up, then work hard for a thirty-minute music scene and seem to have everything figured out - I can't help but feel like that leaves a vast majority of kids feeling like they've failed when they figure out that they're not like those stars in the films, that they will never become a famous music star, or a basketball player, or come up with the next Google or Apple. I don't know, maybe resigning your kids to just "be content with having less than everything makes your society better in the end... who knows? That leads me onto my next point
I came here thinking that capitalism was better than socialism. Coffee black and egg white, right? I spent several months here thinking that, finding allllll the myriad problems that socialism creates, and spent hours telling my students why their economic and political systems left them in the dust. Last week, something finally dawned on me - that I hadn't asked the original question, ever. To what end does an economic system perpetuate itself? Does it exist to foster a country where someone has the greatest possibility of becoming rich if they work hard, is its aim that consumers always have the latest and greatest products regardless of who is put out of work to get it, or is the GOAL of the system to make as many people in society have "good enough lives," and to assure that most of your society has its basic needs met?

I'm kind of at a loss for words as to which is right. I realize that because of capitalism being so strong in the United States, I have all these possibilities ahead of me in terms of work, I know that I *could*, if I wanted to, work my ass off day and night and become super rich, but what if I don't want that? If I only want to work 40 hours a week am I resigned to a life that my peers will deem "second-class" because I can't afford the BMW, the nice house, the authentically-made hand-carved table shipped to me from a remote village in Africa or stock my wine cellar with wines that come from grapes that you've never heard of?

Or instead would it be better for me to be like my neighbor, to not have to worry about who drives a better car, because no one seems to care about that. To live in a society where "excess" wealth is discouraged, but since more of society is at roughly the same level, people spend less time worrying about college payments, car payments, house payments, debt, and all of the........ extra baggage that seems to go along with the American dream?

See, I don't mean this as a joke against myself, but I've always been a little bit stubborn. I've always kind of thought I knew best, and I don't think this ever stemmed from arrogance or selfishness, but of an earnest and honest attempt to discover the world around me, live the best way I could, and be smart. So an honest look at economics and lifestyle led me to fully believe that the more capitalistic a society was, the better. Lazy people should not get anything, and kids should be encouraged to follow their dreams - I know I was, and I know it was one of the best lectures I gave while being here in France as to why the United States was better - because people have dreams and can pursue them. I didn't like the fact that kids in France seemed so resigned to boring lives without a lot of materialistic pleasures and couldn't really choose between all of the various paths that we can in the States, but then part of me looks back now and says "well, I know in theory my system seems SO much better - but, but..." But people seem happier here. Everyone seems happier here, and this is freaking CALAIS. It's a piece of crap city. It's cold, there's "nothing to do," there are two supermarkets, not a ton of selection when it comes to organic food or things from other countries. There are a few token Asian restaurants, and you can get to the mall in 15 minutes on the bus, but overall, it's a very underwhelming city - or...... it should be. This place is against everything that I thought I wanted in a city, in life. It seems that the idea of "keeping up with the Joneses" is SO ingrained into our psyche that we can't live without constantly judging our neighbor on what they have, and judging ourselves on whether we are doing well enough, stressing constantly over it. Everyone I know seems to be in debt, except a few people who really are doing well and making lots of money. Everyone here in turn seems to be so much more content, even if they don't have the moon and the stars tucked under their belt. I see people talking a lot more, people walk everywhere, going through a grocery store checkout line takes forever because everyone talks to the cashier. Nothing is rushed, there is no one telling you that you're going to be a failure in life because you only got a 3.8 GPA in high school, and to top it off, it's cold and dreary here most of the time - so why is everyone happier? I see it in kids, I see it in youth, I see it in adults, I see it in people who have jobs we would consider crappy in the United States. The dude who picks up my trash is always smiling, the woman who runs the fry stand a block from my house is always in a good mood, the teachers i work with seem to be pretty happy, and my kids - a great indicator of honesty - are always polite to me, nice to me, teachers, and other kids, they come to school and they have a good attitude, even if some of them don't give a crap about school or English, and - I don't know - I feel like i am repeating myself, but my overall conscious is that the vast majority of people in a crappy, cold city are happier than almost everyone I see in beautiful sunny San Diego. There is no debate as to whether or not this is fact - it IS, I just don't know why.

Is it the economic system? Is it the culture? Is it the way of life? The much-less-stress life, the idea that having "enough" is actually something that MOST people believe, that spending time with people and friends, having dinner parties, drinking and smoking a lot more than we do in the States, and believing that life was meant to be enjoyed something that exists all around you? I duno. I look at friends who work 60 hours a week, have beautiful houses and cars, but whose only end in life seems to be to have more, and I ask myself "is that what I'll become someday? If I choose to work in a career that I feel makes me happy, but only makes $35,000 a year, will I be crushed under the guilt that I feel all around me that I've chosen the easy path, the slacker path, the lazy man's path?" When I look around me in the US, I feel like no one even KNOWS how to be happy sometimes, because everyone is so full of stress, so full of themselves, so full of what the next hottest trend will be. After living here I don't WANT to spend money to buy a car anymore, I don't WANT to spend $50/month for a cell phone, I spent $250 a month for rent, I MAKE $650 a month, and I live fine! I'm not rich, but I'm happy. I can buy food, drink with friends, play WoW, go out a few times a week and play pool, ($2 for 30 minutes?), get a beer at a pub, (another $2), I can buy some new clothes when I need to...... everything just..... seems to work here, and it frustrates me because it hurts my pride, thinking that I came here thinking that France was so much worse than the States and finding in the end that there are a ton of things here that I really LOVE, and maybe if i were to spend another year here, I would come to the conclusion that I never wanted to go back, like Amanda did. Who knows?