Today is my last full day here in Calais, and though I've said it a hundred times already, I'm really sad. Though I am an emotional person in general, there are few things in life other than songs and God that can really make me tear up, but alas, the country that turned me hostile to it within a few months of being here has now reigned me in and converted me, and I can say with complete conviction that I feel I am leaving the first place I call home since leaving San Jose, 6 years ago.
I have put off writing this, mainly because I felt there was too much to say, things that only existed in my head and couldn't be put out onto paper. As I was telling the last class of mine yesterday, it's very difficult for me to have to come the conclusions to which I have come, because as someone who prides himself on his logic and mind, I'm not sure how I got it all so wrong. Faith, in a lot of things, and in a lot of forms, has always been a strong part of who I am as a person, it has come a long way in defining me - just - believing things, or believing in things, even when I have no proof. But science, logic, proof, equations - they have also been a huge part of me. From the first time I took the Myers-Briggs personality test way back in the day (People Types and Tiger Stripes!) to when I just took it again a few months ago for fun, my "Thinking/Feeling" meter has always, always been right in the middle, give or take. I think I have come to the conclusion that this is good, because instead of "wondering which one I am," I think I look at this now as me just being strong in both of them, and that being better than someone who is just "heart" or someone who is just "head".
I came here thinking that the United States was the best country ever. It was the best not because I lived there - because that answer would be too simple and could be easily taken apart logically. If someone had shown me evidence that this were wrong, I would have changed my opinion, but part of the reason why I held this opinion was due to ignorance, in that I hadn't really gone out and searched for the truth myself, relying more on others' opinions and the general word of mouth I got from others, but also from the promises I had heard for ages about how and why my country was so good. In the same way that I made this gem of a quote,
"They talk about France's long history, its art, its music, but when I ask them to name things that are going on right now, in modern times, that showcase France's talent and world class culture, they tell me it doesn't exist anymore. I sadly, sadly agree. I feel that the massively socialistic system is really failing the people of France. Pardon if you're French as you're reading this, but I feel that socialism has destroyed the French."
I was doing the same thing with my own country and not even realizing it. I had called America the land of opportunity, cited that for hundreds of years people have sought freedom in America, made millions, left the oppression of their homeland for a better one, but I never really stopped to think if that were still the case. I tend to always say what is on my mind, and what I really believe, and I really believed that when I said it, so I'm not ashamed that I did. I don't feel at all like a hypocrite, or stupid for thinking one thing so strongly only a few months ago, then completely changing my mind. I think that makes me smart and humble, being able to really admit that I was wrong. That's probably a good quality to have in life. So I thought the US was the best, and I gave plenty of lectures on why that was the case - why our freedoms to be what we wanted to do what we wanted was better than the downtrodden socialistic system that burdened the French and made them all turn out the same. I duno - I guess I was seeing what I wanted to, instead of what was there.
I was thinking one night, about a month ago, along the line of "what is happiness, and how do we attain it?" and in the simple mathematical and logical way that I try to always think of philosophical issues, I tried to understand the question I was asking and the players involved in that question. My logic led me to this. All of the factors leading up to happiness in a society, (meaning the collective happiness I see from those around me, and the percentage of people who either seem content/happy in life, or actually are content/happy in life) is something that is easily observable. It's not a perfect measure, but it's possible to see. In a way, it's much more... reliable than taking a survey or doing a study, maybe, because you're witnessing people, over time, in their natural state. Sometimes I talked to people about it, sometimes I observed conversations, sometimes I just walked down the street and observed society, the interactions between other people, the way parents treated children, children treated parents, strangers treated one another, bus drivers treated drivers, smokers treated non-smokers, drunk kids at 3am treated houses they walked by, rich men in BMWs (Bee-emm-doo-bluh-vay sounds SO much cooler than Bee-Emm-Double-You) treated people employed as street sweepers, and I came to the conclusion that the people I had first thought were so... overburdened by a heavy tax system and condemned to live in a society that was different from the US were actually happy. You see - I had equated happiness with education I saw education, with richness, in the general sense, as i saw richness, as the size of one's house mattering, that having a front lawn was important, or being able to find Asian food in the grocery store, or being able to easily get Internet access. I never stopped to think that my initial basis for judging happiness was off, or maybe even downright WRONG. Let me continue this explanation using math for a second. I had come to France, and spent a few months here drawing up that because the relative values of the following formula were higher in the United States. While in reality, the values I used for my answer were probably ten old the size of this list, the example will still work. For example, I said that:
a+b+c+d+e = f
where a through e are different things that make up happiness. Let's say a stands for my ideas of personal freedom, b meant the possibility for wealth, etc etc. To a, I gave the completely subjective value of 5, to b 12, to c 1, to d 4, and to e 3, meaning that
5+12+1+4+3 = 25
now when I looked at my perception of French culture, and their values in this, (note I say my perception because not only was I not using the honest values, I was giving a subjective weight to a perceived value judged through a bias...) I thought it looked maybe something like this:
4+6+3+5+1 = 19
Therefore, since 25> 19, America was better than France. Obviously, as I said before, my theorem for this a lot more complex, but logically, it pretty much came out in my head the same way, as this mathematical formula where America had a higher value than France.
My formula broke down that one night I went for a walk and started thinking, and it hit me like a "f***ton of bricks." I had previously come to the conclusion that because of the values on the left side of the equation adding up to a greater number, in a way, my logic was correct, and that the US was a much better country, but it hit me that French people are, in fact, happier than Americans. I thought of my everyday encounters with shopkeepers, random people on the street, people at work, students, parents, children, mothers of friends, people who bum cigarettes off me, random people in the train station that I witness having a conversation with someone else - people. are. happy. here. In fact, that are, by and by, MORE happy than the general population of the United States. Therefore, I realized that my original analysis must have been wrong. I was TRYING to keep my opinion that America was a happier and better country - or - that my chances of living a happy life were greater in America, but if in that equation, France's "happiness" value was actually higher, as I was observing, (so not 25 > 19, but rather 25 <>
Basically, I said that in the States, you can be happier because of this and this and this, until I realized that that and that and that weren't ever the reasons why I was happy in America before, and are definitely not really the things I want out of life in the first place to make myself happy, and that the things I really want to be happy in life are here. This is something I realized I could never really SAY about America. Of course, we SAY that one should follow the golden rule, treat others like you would want to be treated, but we don't actually DO it. We might do it to our friends, or our families, or our neighbors if we're close, but it is not this general idea ingrained into the heart of society. One of my teachers expressed it as "the catholic culture that has pervaded our society and still lives deeply within it, regardless of how many people are actively religious." So, I can see how someone reading this might look and say "but wait, you said just a few months ago Brian that the United States was all these things that you're now saying France is! You must just be finally liking the country, so you're seeing through rose colored windows," but that isn't it. I made sure of that this time in doing my analysis.
Don't even get me started on how amazing the one month was that Rebecca spent with me here was. The only thing I am missing here is my love. I think that would make France complete. The funny thing is, I can say that in complete honesty and still understand that France lacks things that the US has. I realize, if at some point in the future I were to move back here let's say, I would have a really hard time REALLY learning French, not like "hey I can teach French kids English," but like "I can actually work at a job where my language skills do not prohibit me." I would also never be French, I would always be a foreigner, and there would always be things I miss about the States, the food, the multiculturalism, maybe the prospect of making a lot of money, (because while that's not something I want NOW, I might change, and what better place to make millions than the States?) that I would never have here, but the strange thing that I find is that that doesn't matter to me, because of what I stated above - I am happy here! My equation for happiness had been wrong in the past, so SO many of the things I thought mattered to me just don't anymore... so many of the things that I thought I needed to be happy I don't anymore, and the things that make me happy seem to exist in this country. I mean, I would miss my family a TON if I ever moved, but that has always been in the back of my mind since I started dating.. that last girl I dated..., you know, since she was always in love with France, i figured one day I might move there, and that feeling has become much more real since dating Rebecca, being from a different country and all, and having travelled the world and wanting to go back to it. So secretly, in the back of my head, I've been thinking for a while about the world, and what it would be like to live "there." After a few months here, you know, during my "dark" phase, I thought that France was definitely the end of my travel-the-world phase, and that once I got back to the States I would never want to leave again, but... I duno - this place changed me. I am hungry for more now. I don't want to come home. I literally do not want to get on that plane and come home. And it has nothing to do with my family, or my girlfriend, or my friends, or pho (no seriously, it's important.) I guess if I could I would bring them all here, but I can't. So I'll go home and I'll try not to be emotional, but logical, and really judge the two countries having now an experience in them both to decide whether or not I want to stay, or come back. You know, after living here for 3 months or so I thought Amanda was crazy, or mentally-ill in some way to have been here for 5 years without wanting to claw her eyeballs out, or maybe I thought Bordeaux must just be a really cool city, but... now I see why she stays. You know, it's interesting - I am not a person who is easily... wowed, and my heart, and my life, and... so many things about me were in such a rut, as many of you know, over the last few years with everything that happened to me. Meeting Rebecca and starting to date her was the first breath of fresh air that my tired lungs had had since before I could remember, and that... learning how to breathe again... that came from here. I can say that for the first time since high school, I am a genuinely HAPPY person, everyday when I wake up, I am happy, regardless of what comes my way, I am happy. I have been trying, for many years now, to "get back to where I was when I was younger" in terms of my outlook on the word, not being bitter and cold and not impressed by anything and just.. so negative, but nothing has been able to do that to me, or for me, at home, until I met Rebecca, and what started with her has been completed here in France.
I think this might have something to do with why I am at such a crossroads. If only I could have both of them. If I had to choose, I obviously choose her, because no country, no matter what it ,) does for me, can ever replace love, (and this love I feel for Rebecca is especially strong) but if I still feel the way I feel right now in a year, I'm probably going to steal her and fly back here, (which she's already told me is perfectly okay with her :) ) I mean, I want to keep an open mind, above all, right? I might come back to the States and find that *I* have changed, and that that is enough for me to keep a piece of France inside of me and make a life and a future back at home, but I may not find that. I may find that I want to move to Australia, or France, or who knows, maybe I'll want to try a new country in a year - I don't know, which is why I want to give it time.
I think, at the end of all of this, when all is said and done, I can look back and say I am really, really glad that I did this. Through whatever good and bad circumstances landed on me while I've been here, I am leaving the better, I am leaving with a much greater sense of life, of who I am, of what I want in life. My constant quest to answer life's questions have become much clearer in the last month, and I have the 6 previous months to thank for that. I have spent many many hours on the phone with Rebecca over these last few months, almost every day, and that has made such an impact on me continuing to keep a strong relationship with her even though I've been physically absent. I think once I get back I won't have any difficulty talking to her about any of this, since she already knows exactly what's going on in my mind regarding all of this. I guess we will just have to see.
So, I guess in another few days (I'm spending a few days in Paris,) I will no longer be in France, but my thoughts pertaining to the country will hopefully still resonate with me for quite a while, so.. I hope to keep writing on this and cataloguing my thoughts, on the chance I do come back.
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