So I got a job as a Resident Advisor at a school in San Diego for international students. I took the job after three-plus months of looking for something that has to do with my major, a B.S. in High Technology Management. I applied for job after job after job and heard nothing. I went on interview after interview and wasn't offered anything. Short of feeling absolutely retarded and useless, I did get offered this job, but I make $300 a month and get a place to live in exchange for working with the students. It's good, but I need to make more money... I can barely survive much less pay off my debt ($7000 now) making this. So, I was speaking with the academic director of the school about the possibility of using my teaching experience in France to teach English here to the international students, and she said it might be a possibility, (I'd have to interview for the position and submit my résume, which the thought of just scares me. I think my résume is cursed - if I submit it to a job, there's like a 120% chance I won't get called back... such is life though I guess in this economy.
I mean, I know there a lot of people, seemingly, in my boat, but I don't know anyone else who just cannot, for the life of them, find a job, other than Rebecca and myself. It almost makes me feel like I wasted 6 years in college, putting in a lot of hard work, for nothing, if I can't get a job. I mean, I applied to good jobs that i was underqualified for, jobs I was perfectly qualified for, and jobs that I was overqualified for (front desk receptionist?!) and I got nothing, for three months, so I'm not sure what i'm supposed to do. Do I wait, not being able to pay off any of my bills, or do I do say goodbye to my education and take a new path?
I guess that is one semi-new crossroads that I am at. I still have the desire to move back to France, it's still there, very strong, but I'm just not sure how to make all the xs cross and actually do it, but I refuse to get stuck into a job and a career that just "makes money" for the sake of keeping me alive - that is no way to live life. I have the opportunity, maybe, to become a teacher here, and the money wouldn't be too great - but it would get me something, and I could use the teaching experience in that to get back to France and teach there. In fact, it might be one of the only ways that I could actually go back there and make some type of living for myself. I don't speak French fluently enough to work a real job, (my last blog post took me over an hour and a half to write,) although my French is getting a lot better.
I think if I take this route, if I get this CELTA certificate, (like the TEFL but more accepted world-wide,) I would be able to work here for a year, giving me a total of two years' teaching experience, then I could get a job that pays the equivalent of about $35,000 a year teaching english in France. My plan then would be to save up and get my Masters degree in France (is Masters capitalized?) which would allow me to get a better job, but I am feeling more and more drawn to the education field the longer I live. I feel that my personality, the way God made me, is not suited to the sale and production and marketing and advertising of widgets. I want to feel that at the end of the day, i have made a real impact on people, made a change to someone's life, and the thing that frustrates me so is that I've known this for a long time. How are you, at 18, when you go to college, supposed to know what the rest of your life should look like and what carreer path you should take? I chose HTM because I thought it would net me good money and that I'd be a nerd forever, but I find myself caring less and less about computers and technology everyday and more and more interested in people, in culture, in life, in art, in drama, in music, and in the things that give life purpose, not 1s and 0s.
So I could keep trying for jobs here that have something to do with my major, but each time I read over a job, I just look at it and I get this nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach thinking "I would hate doing that - why would I apply for that?" "oh - money, that's right." And then I turn around and look at the massive amount of hours I put into my current job which pays me pennies and feel that I don't mind working extra because I love doing it, and if I were able to teach here as well, that'd be pretty good. I figure I would love a teaching job here because the job I had in France teaching was the first job I had EVER had that I really, really, really liked, felt comfortable in, naturally good at, and that satisfied me at the end of the day. Every other job I've had in the business world left me feeling unsatisfied, left me feeling that no boss really cared what i did or how I felt or whether I put in extra hours here and there, they wanted numbers, products, solutions - and I can't stand the way people talk and act in the business community, all the little catch-phrases and hotwords that they use.
So, I don't know what to do.. still... it's been what... 3, 4 months since France was winding down, and I'm still caught in this afterparty of lostness, trying to figure out where my life should go. I hope that with more time and more thought, something will dawn on me- I have always been SO logical in my ability to parse things and take mounds of thought and come to a conclusion that is satisfying to me, but this time I just feel like it's too overwhelming. Each decision I make to take a step forward introduces two new problems that set me back, so I tread water and get nowhere, and I have not moved upstream in three months I feel.....
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7 comments:
You've already done the most important thing -- figuring out that your passion lies in something else besides the business world/Corporate America. You don't have to know yet where your life is going...it will just unfold.
I work for The Man in Boring Corporate Job, where I see hundreds of people, everyday, wan and jaded and just trudging through to earn their paycheck. I see people in their 50s, their 60s, burdened down by their too-big houses and unnecessary boats and all these needless obligations that shackle them to a way of life that requires that steady paycheck, the continual progression toward making money to afford their lifestyles. And if all you want to do is make money, that's fine, that's what works for you. But your life and dreams are more about experiencing the richness of people, culture, life, art, drama, music, the things that give life purpose, not 1s and 0s. (Yes, I quoted you) You'll never regret pursuing your knowledge of those things. You will regret being stuck in a cube doing a soul-sucking job so you can get a house and have 2.5 kids because that's what People Do.
I sort of feel like Jacob Marley in the Christmas Carol where he warns Scrooge about the chains he forged in life as a result of the life he lived, and how he's burdened with them in the afterlife. Of course, I have time, and I don't mean to be nearly so dramatic, but having worked here for six years, I can tell you just what a sham the corporate world is. I'd halve my salary if I could do what I loved. Of course, I'm not sure what I love. But you know, and that's why I'm telling you not to give up.
Wow... thanks a lot for taking the time to write that... it really, really helps having someone else agree with what I'm saying, or at least understand.
I hear so often from people in America that the American way of life is somehow the only way to do things, that if I *don't* want to burden myself down with a too-big house and an unnecessary boat and all these needless obligations (yes I quoted you) then I am somehow not being responsible, not being productive, I am in turn lazy and selfish, but... I am feeling more and more drawn to "the poorer" yet more fulfilling life day by day...
Thanks for your words of encouragement :)
I totally agree with your statement about how, at 18, can we choose what we want to do for the rest of our lives? If I could go back now, I'd major in public policy or psychology. But I do share your frustration in applying for every job and hearing nothing (and, despite how it may seem to you, you and Rebecca are certainly not the only ones without jobs - it's a crisis in America now).
I think you should go for it and get the certificate. You have the advantage now of still being young and discovering your passion before you are ensconced in a corporate job. If you want to live in France, make that your goal and go for it. You have nothing to lose. And, you'll get your Master's for free!
I'm very proud of the progress you are making in figuring out what's important to you and what your passions are - many people don't do that, and they just go along with the status quo. So, good for you.
I think so long as you follow your heart and not a trail of money, you'll make the right decision.
I agree with your sis =) The certificate sounds good, and it's also good you're figuring things out for yourself now rather than waiting til your 40s for a midlife crisis!
I also think it makes sense to get a temporary survival job (if you need to) while getting certifications or whatnot. Let's face it - doing work that fits your passions in life is often a luxury. The world wouldn't work if we didn't have people doing the things no one wanted to do. Software testing is probably not my mom's life passion, but she came here broke and it's what she had to do to survive, and that's respectable. Just as you shouldn't let your job define who you are, you should be open to what you may have to do in order to survive.
A jobs are also never gonna be 100% what you want. I feel a job is worth considering if it'll at least teach you skills you want and develop you toward your higher goals.
Hi,
I will attend CELTA course in 30th of September in Istanbul, British Side.
This plan is my "rescue boat" for the way of life that i want to live in my future life with my husband.
I heard that this course is very very important for the people who want to be teacher.
so..let's see that.
life is hard, i know. everywhere is in the crise boat. but let's see...
"i am still alive, so i have to try, i still have hope" is my favorite motivation sentence nowadays.(!)
i hope you will get the job you want for the rest of your life.
good luck
It sound like you have a bad case of reverse culture shock, trying to reaquaint with your surroundings after time abroad. This is common particularly where a person has adjusted extremely well to the host country, reverse culture shock may cause greater distress than the original culture shock. Uncertainty, frustrations, negative feelings toward America, utopious feeeling of the host culture, changes in goals and priorities are all symtoms of this phenomenon. What you need to do is embrace your time away by sharing your experience with your won culture. Write and publish stories of you experience, enter your photos from your journey into contests, volunteer in a work/study program at a local college.
Even though it is is difficult adapting, you should be happy that you had the courage to make such a bold move in the first place. Be strong in the fact that you chose to step out of a comfortable box and travel. Stay in contact with the friends you made, continue with learning the language and appreciate the accomplishment of your time away. There will always be opportunity for more travel in life.
When you eyes are open to the world, it is easy to shut off to your home world. Just remember culture is everywhere if you just keep your eyes open and your heart willing.
Thank you - each of you, for your comments... I'll take them to heart and try to work out what to do next here.
I do believe I am suffering from "reverse culture shock," but an acknowledgment of that doesn't mean an understanding of that. I'm not sure what to do with it. And you're right, I don't really WANT to be American anymore, at least not now. I'm looking for jobs, survival jobs, anything that will let me pay the bills and eat once a day, so that I can wait, study, and try to get back to France.
I don't feel that I've.. idolized the French culture, because I am very aware (if you've read as well my previous blog posts) of the problems I found with the culture and the things that I DO like about America, but I really do want to move back there, and I'll do anything to do it.
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