CELTA, teaching English, Life

The whole "life" thing is becoming a common thread about which I write, so here I go with attempt number 15-and-counting, maybe I'll get it one of these days.

So I got a job as a Resident Advisor at a school in San Diego for international students. I took the job after three-plus months of looking for something that has to do with my major, a B.S. in High Technology Management. I applied for job after job after job and heard nothing. I went on interview after interview and wasn't offered anything. Short of feeling absolutely retarded and useless, I did get offered this job, but I make $300 a month and get a place to live in exchange for working with the students. It's good, but I need to make more money... I can barely survive much less pay off my debt ($7000 now) making this. So, I was speaking with the academic director of the school about the possibility of using my teaching experience in France to teach English here to the international students, and she said it might be a possibility, (I'd have to interview for the position and submit my résume, which the thought of just scares me. I think my résume is cursed - if I submit it to a job, there's like a 120% chance I won't get called back... such is life though I guess in this economy.

I mean, I know there a lot of people, seemingly, in my boat, but I don't know anyone else who just cannot, for the life of them, find a job, other than Rebecca and myself. It almost makes me feel like I wasted 6 years in college, putting in a lot of hard work, for nothing, if I can't get a job. I mean, I applied to good jobs that i was underqualified for, jobs I was perfectly qualified for, and jobs that I was overqualified for (front desk receptionist?!) and I got nothing, for three months, so I'm not sure what i'm supposed to do. Do I wait, not being able to pay off any of my bills, or do I do say goodbye to my education and take a new path?

I guess that is one semi-new crossroads that I am at. I still have the desire to move back to France, it's still there, very strong, but I'm just not sure how to make all the xs cross and actually do it, but I refuse to get stuck into a job and a career that just "makes money" for the sake of keeping me alive - that is no way to live life. I have the opportunity, maybe, to become a teacher here, and the money wouldn't be too great - but it would get me something, and I could use the teaching experience in that to get back to France and teach there. In fact, it might be one of the only ways that I could actually go back there and make some type of living for myself. I don't speak French fluently enough to work a real job, (my last blog post took me over an hour and a half to write,) although my French is getting a lot better.

I think if I take this route, if I get this CELTA certificate, (like the TEFL but more accepted world-wide,) I would be able to work here for a year, giving me a total of two years' teaching experience, then I could get a job that pays the equivalent of about $35,000 a year teaching english in France. My plan then would be to save up and get my Masters degree in France (is Masters capitalized?) which would allow me to get a better job, but I am feeling more and more drawn to the education field the longer I live. I feel that my personality, the way God made me, is not suited to the sale and production and marketing and advertising of widgets. I want to feel that at the end of the day, i have made a real impact on people, made a change to someone's life, and the thing that frustrates me so is that I've known this for a long time. How are you, at 18, when you go to college, supposed to know what the rest of your life should look like and what carreer path you should take? I chose HTM because I thought it would net me good money and that I'd be a nerd forever, but I find myself caring less and less about computers and technology everyday and more and more interested in people, in culture, in life, in art, in drama, in music, and in the things that give life purpose, not 1s and 0s.

So I could keep trying for jobs here that have something to do with my major, but each time I read over a job, I just look at it and I get this nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach thinking "I would hate doing that - why would I apply for that?" "oh - money, that's right." And then I turn around and look at the massive amount of hours I put into my current job which pays me pennies and feel that I don't mind working extra because I love doing it, and if I were able to teach here as well, that'd be pretty good. I figure I would love a teaching job here because the job I had in France teaching was the first job I had EVER had that I really, really, really liked, felt comfortable in, naturally good at, and that satisfied me at the end of the day. Every other job I've had in the business world left me feeling unsatisfied, left me feeling that no boss really cared what i did or how I felt or whether I put in extra hours here and there, they wanted numbers, products, solutions - and I can't stand the way people talk and act in the business community, all the little catch-phrases and hotwords that they use.

So, I don't know what to do.. still... it's been what... 3, 4 months since France was winding down, and I'm still caught in this afterparty of lostness, trying to figure out where my life should go. I hope that with more time and more thought, something will dawn on me- I have always been SO logical in my ability to parse things and take mounds of thought and come to a conclusion that is satisfying to me, but this time I just feel like it's too overwhelming. Each decision I make to take a step forward introduces two new problems that set me back, so I tread water and get nowhere, and I have not moved upstream in three months I feel.....

l'avenir

je m'assoie, ici à san diego, dans la canapé de mon ami, et il est 02h, je dors pas, je ne peux pas dormir, pour les derniers 4 jours j'ai dormi pas, parce que je réfléchis trop. Je veux écrire, mais en anglais c'est trop difficile parce que tous le monde comprend ce que je dis, et peut-être je veux dire des choses qu'ils ne veulent pas écouter ou savoir. Il me semble que si j'écris en français, ce que j'écris est encore un secret, connu seulement pour moi, même si je parle pas français, et quand je tape il y a plein des erreurs, je tape pour moi, je tape tous les choses que je veux. Donc...

Si seulement je savais ce que je voulais faire avec ma vie. Je suis venu en France parce que aux états-unis j'avais les nerfs à fleur de peau, ma vie était complètement... qu'est-ce que c'est le mot... un catastrophe? on peut dire ça? Ah bon, dans tous les cas, j'y suis venu, et j'étais changé. Je pense, quelque fois, que je suis un enculé. Est-ce que j'ai pensé vraiment que je pourrais habiter dans un autre pays pendant huit mois sans être complètement changé? Je pense pas que j'ai pensé à propos de cela avant d'aller en France, et maintenant que je suis chez moi, je suis perdu. Je me sens complètement perdu. Devrais-je revenir en France? Ahhh, j'ai mes mémoires, et des souvenirs parce que je suis comme ça - toujours romantique, toujours sentimental, je tombe amoureux avec une ville, (si on peut dire ça), avec une langue, avec des amis, avec de ce qui est diffèrent, ce qui est spécial, cependant, si je suis revenu en France, serait-il parait qu'avant? Valentin n'est plus là, les élèves avec qui j'étais le plus proche ne sont pas, et je n'aime pas le changement. Si j'enseigne à un autre lycée, je sais que j'aimerai pas le lycée parce que j'aurai toujours des mémoires d'HQE et que tous les jours, n'importe quelle a passé dans ma vie, n'importe quelle, j'étais toujours heureux là. Et je suis sentimental, je n'aime pas quand la vie change et est diffèrent.

Le rêve Américain. Je me souviens que plein des fois j'ai discuté avec mes élèves ce rêve, mais je ne suis plus sûr que je VEUX ce rêve, que je veux rester aux états-unis. C'est quoi le rêve américain? Est-il travailler? Est-il acheter une grande maison ou avoir une voiture très riche? J'ai trouvé, (et peut-être je connais pas mon propre pays), que comme quelqu'un qui a 27 ans, je regarde autour de moi et je vois un société très matérialiste. Tous le monde travail et travail et travail, mais jamais personne ne devient riche. A l'Amérique, tous le monde a de la dette, beaucoup de la dette, personne semble heureux, sa vie est consommé et dévoré pour son travail, le désir de gagner plus et plus et plus. Et je me trouve con parce que j'ai cru complètement que comment on vit aux états-unis était bien, et avec juste huit mois dans un autre pays je trouve maintenant qu'un autre "manière de vivre" et "plus bien." Peut-être je ne peux pas admettre que j'avais tort, ou peut-être mon fier est trop fort et pour ça je reste ici, ou... peut-être j'ai peur de quitter, ou peut-être je n'ai pas de l'argent et l'idée de quitter et travailler en France semble fou maintenant. Je pourrais travailler ici pour quelque années, économiser de l'argent, et emménager plus tard en France. Est-il l'immaturité qui me cause penser que je peux quitter ce pays, avec plein de la dette, sans du travail, sans un idée concrète de ce que je ferais là? Je pense que peut-être j'aimerais travailler encore avec les lycéens, et après, aller à l'université là-bas en France et étudier, peut-être pour obtenir un maîtrise de Français? Mais peut-être ça c'est juste un rêve bête. Il faut rester ici aux états-unis et être américain, parce que cela c'est ce que je suis. Je ne suis pas français... peut-être que je ne jamais devenir français, mais peut-être que je pourrais. Comment je peux savoir? Et si j'y vais, j'y vais tout seul, c'est impossible que ma copine viendrait avec moi, mais qui sait si ça marcherait quand même... Prends-je une décision de rester ou déménager uniquement à cause d'elle? Ou à cause de l'argent?

Les américains sont toujours enseignés de penser logiquement. La logique me dit "Brian, si ta cœur veut vraiment "redéménager" en France, si t'aime la France, la langue, si en fait tu pense vraiment que tu serais heureux là, vas-y! Mais, (et le "mais" est très important) tu dois attendre. Tu n'a pas maintenant de l'argent pour aller, tu dois d'abord éliminer ta dette, trouver comment tu habiterais là et avoir une vie là, sans l'aide de tes parents, sans l'aide de tes amis, parce que dans ce monde, tu est tout seul, est cela c'est un fait." Alors... peut-être je vais attendre...

Je suppose la question que je demande, s'il y a un question, est "veux-je vraiment habiter là, ou est-il juste que je n'aime pas les états-unis?" Je sais plus...

Si vous lisez ce que j'écris, vous êtes évidement français, et je vous connais dans quelque égard. Si vous avez des conseils sur ce que je devrais faire, j'aimerais bien l'écouter. Depuis que je suis revenu chez moi, j'ai été perdu. Je sais que je préférais habiter en Europe, mais je sais pas si je peux quitter tout ce que je connais et forger et établir une nouvelle vie.

Je m'en fous si personne comprend ce que j'ai dit, je comprends, et peut-être je peux lire ce que j'ai écrit et réfléchir et finalement décider de ce que je devrais faire.....

Prendre le temps de vivre

mercredi 13 juillet 2005.

Prendre le temps de vivre
Et regarder la vie
Le ciel qui brille à son zénith
Les larmes de joie d’un bébé
Une pêche belle à croquer
La brise qui s’envole
L’air du temps qui s’en va en sifflotant
La ritournelle pour une belle
Ces bisous pour mon présent

Prendre le temps de remercier
L’amour de ses bienfaits
De son sourire doucement offert
De cette main qui était et est toujours là
De ces gestes de tendresse fait sans y avoir pensé

Prendre le temps de regarder
La rose qui va éclore
L’olivier qui va pousser
Le jasmin qui fait tant de bien
L’oranger couleur d’été
La fourmi qui persévère
Le rai de lumière qui fait des ombres chinoises
Le silence si lourd de sens

Prendre le temps de respirer
Le temps qui passe sans compter
Le temps qui enlace mes pensées
Le temps qui m’offre sa sérénité

Prendre le temps de perdre mon temps
Juste pour voir le temps présent s’envoler
Juste le plaisir de sentir le doux frisson
De laisser le temps prendre son temps
Un instant

Prendre le temps de vivre
Et regarder la vie
Prendre le temps de remercier
L’amour de ses bienfaits
Prendre le temps de regarder
La rose qui va éclore
Prendre le temps de respirer
Le temps qui passe sans compter
Prendre le temps de perdre mon temps
Juste pour voir le présent s’envoler.

© morjane ) http://www.poesie-amour.com/article730.html

up in the air, and not coming down anytime soon.

This whole "move away for a year thing then come back and feel like a stranger in the country you grew up in" thing has been tough.  And also, in retrospect, I probably should have made the name of my blog something like "holycrapillbeinfrancebetweenaugust2008andapril2009butthenillcomehomeandwanttocontinuewriting.blogspot.com

but I digress.  I guess this era of what I write will have to do more with readjusting than it will with France, but I guess that is interesting too.  I'm trying to find a balance between what I loved about France, and what I know I do love about the United States.  I got back to San Diego last week, and I'm staying with some friends who told me I could stay here as long as I want rent-free, which is... really nice of them.  I'm looking for a job here.  Since everrything is up in the air, I sent in my application to be an assistant again, but I'm two months late on it, (cause I was like - there teaching...) so I don't know if that will work out.  Everything is just crazy.  Tomorrow I am heading down to the DMV where I will take (again) my written motorcycle test, (I passed it like 2 years ago but didn't have any money to actually buy a bike so I didn't get my license,) then my friend Jules said she would just straight let me USE her bike, which is awesome.  So, I'm hoping soon I will get my license for that, since I don't have a car, or a job - that's pretty cool.  

So I find myself looking for jobs here, finding ways that I'd like to use my intelligence and potential here in the States, but like I've said before.. everything just seems so up in the air.  I guess this weekend was really helpful for me though.  I got to hang out with Ken, go to Fry's, eat pho, smell the san diego air, listen to music I'd missed over the past 9 months - all of those things made me remember home, which was good.  Still, I have absolutely no job prospects, and everything i apply for keeping shoving its nose at me.  Maybe I am not good enough to do what I want, but then again, I can't think of a single thing I've ever just given up at before... so I guess I'll keep barking up this tree and see what happens.

hey! America!

So, I was standing out in front of tap ex last night with Rebecca, and I realized I only had $3 with me.  I casually asked Rebecca if she had a dollar on her, and some random girl was like "oh I do, here you go!," like some cavaliering do-gooder, and handed me a nice crisp one dollar bill.  In astonishment, I responded "um, are you sure?" as though her good intentions were to be questioned, but she remained adamant and said "yeah totally!" 

Though this had never happened before, (I mean, Americans are generally known as being nice, but not to the point where strangers randomly give you money every time you need it,) I thought this was fate poking me in the face and saying "hey, this place is a nice place to live too!"

can I go back? and can she come too?

It's been about a week since I left France.  I'm trying to find ways to go back.  I guess part of growing up is deciding who you listen to, because you obviously can't listen to everyone, but you also can't listen to no one.  I have people telling me I should go back, that I was such a good teacher, I have others telling me I just have culture shock and that it will "go away," but I don't want it to go away.  I liked living in France.  I want to take Rebecca, steal her, and go back to France.

I have been thinking of ways I could accomplish this.  I've always wanted to do a Master's Degree, I always thought it would be interested, regardless of what it was in.  So I was thinking, what if Rebecca and I went back to France this upcoming year, and I was an assistant again.  She could get a job working in an english pub or something, they have jobs like that, and the two of us could learn French together, (what better way than doing it there, right?)  and then after that if she wanted to, she could also do her masters (because she wants to as well.)  I have to research whether or not they have programs at any univerisities in English.  

I mean, I'm not saying that I am ready to turn in my US citizenship and spring for a French one, but I know this - that I really enjoyed living there, and I feel like I am not done yet.  I want to become more fluent in French, I really like the language, and I don't feel like I belong here in the States right now.  So, we'll see how this attitude changes over the next month or two...

housing and jobs

Warning: this post is kinda negative.

Writing can be very theraputic.  I've spent the last several months now trying to find a job for when I come home, and a house to go along with that.  I'm afraid that Europe, its lifestyle, its outlook on life, its "day to day" has changed me, a lot.  I know what half of you are going to say, "Yes, you had an experience there, but don't worry, you'll get back into the swing of things once you get back," and I guess, from my experience here I couldn't rightfully say that you're wrong. I mean, I hated France when after a few months of living here, and look at me now, but... right now is what matters I guess, because right now is when I am looking for an apartment, right now is when I'm looking for a job.  It seems that, in San Diego especially, all the houses I'm looking for are so........ timid, or crazy.  Everyone wants to stress that they're either a.) very calm, quiet, they don't party, they don't really want you to have people over, they live their life and want you to live yours, they don't want to become friends - you are renting a space to sleep and a shower to use.  Or b.) they do drugs, smoke, drink all the time, probably have a very dirty house, are irresponsible, and are going to filling my ears nightly with loud sex.  So, I miss my housing options in France, where people (Amanda first told this to me, and I didn't believe her until I witnessed it myself) can kind of...... do both.  They don't "just go out on Fridays to completely unwind," they do stuff each night of the week, even if it's something small.  Life here revolves around life, not work, not making tons of money.  And I'm having a really hard time finding a place with people that understand that.  I mean - I didn't before I came here, so why would I expect anyone else to?  I just want to live with people who want to live, enjoy life, who are looking for more than just roommates.  I mean, my postings when I was looking for tenants were always like that, long before I moved to France.  But when half the things I see are like "room. $500. no smoking/ppl sleeping over."  and that's IT, I mean - how does that person EVER get someone to live there?  They must, because most people posting rooms have posted rooms before, but.. I duno, I just wanna find something where the people seem nice, laidback, responsible, but who still want to have fun.  I guess I'm subconsciously looking for the place I lived at here in France, and I don't know if I'll find it. 

As far as jobs go, I duno... I've had many conversations with people here about America - Rebecca and I were just talking about how in the States, you can do ANYTHING.  We have that entrapreneurial spirit that allows for the best to come out of people and their ideas, but we also work our asses off, 40, 50, 60 hours a week, and I don't want to do that.  I mean, I really don't.  The idea of paying $700/month for a place freaks me OUT now, after paying 250€.  I'm not saying I expect to find that in SD, it's a bigger city, America is more expensive, but, I don't know.. I duno how to explain it.  I'm not sure I want the materialism of my own country anymore.  I'm tired of every house listing sounding like you're getting to live in the White House for ONLY $xxx per month.  I'm tired of every job listing requiring 4,000 year of experience in the field in question.  As for jobs, I'm not sure how different it would be here in France, I won't speculate because I haven't looked, but as far as jobs, this isn't as much a question of "SD vs. France" as it is my general frustration with job searching.  I've been applying for jobs for about 2 months, and I think I'm damn interesting, a good candidate, and that any company would probably benefit from having me, but I haven't gotten any calls or any emails.  It just sucks, and it's getting to me.

If anyone has any ideas for either of these situations that DOESN'T involve something like "move back to France!" or "move to [insert city name of the US where you live here,] I would love to hear them.....

damn you Paris.

Well, I deserve to get my name written on the board with 2 checkmarks next to it for this blunder.  I thought, hey, it would be fun to spend 2 days in Paris before I go home, you know, to kind of tie together all the loose ends of my trip, anend it in the same place I began it.

What I forgot what that Paris is the effing city of love.  I think I am the SOLE person here who is not walking around hand in hand taking wedding photos or making children with someone, but I did kind of have a fun renting a bike for 1 euro and riding around Paris for six hours - seriously.

I am really, really sad today - and this WHOLE big thing finally got to me today once I got back to my hostel room.  I sat down, and just started crying.  I have no idea why, I never cry.  I guess I just REALLY miss my kids, and I really miss Rebecca, and I really miss Calais, and I'm not ready for this part of my life to be over.