Well, I lost my job.

So after two months of waiting tables, I was fired today - for the second time. I got fired last month as well, because my boss was having a bad day and took it out on me. I'm not sure where to begin this post - other than by saying I got fired. On the one hand, I'm frustrated, as anyone would be, but on the other hand, I'm seeing the good in it, as I do. Many times in my life I've asked God to show me, or put me, into circumstances that make trusting Him easier, so when my boss told me today "I won't be needing you next week - or the week after," I instantly felt a wave of shock, tears, and anger come over me - "BUT, I am your BEST waiter! I run 16 tables by myself, bus tables, carry food, carry drinks, engage the customers - they LOVE me - THEY say I'm your best waiter - YOU'VE told me like a hundred times that I am your best waiter, but you're bi-polar! You are SO nice to the customers, then you turn around and call your staff "useless" or "stupid" to their faces. You get angry at us when it's slow, you get angry at us if people don't spend enough, you have time to talk to the cooks and hang out, but if the waiter stops for five seconds to have a sip of water you get angry - it's like we're slaves, and most of your waiters hate you!" <--- was what I wanted to say. I wanted to grab his espresso machine and throw it at his face - but I didn't. I was very calm, and I finished the last hour of my shift. I made no mistakes today - we sold a lot, I made a lot in tips, I had great feedback from customers, so it was a good day to end on, I guess.

I have this feeling in my throat like I want to throw up now, because I did my best, and I was the best waiter at his restaurant, but he fired me. Why? The reasons he gave were "you're too good for this restaurant. I think more people come in to see you than to get my coffee," and "I want this run my way. You wait tables like an American, I want someone to run it like an Australian." I don't know what that means, but, on days I work we have MORE customers, and he's constantly telling me how much more he makes when I'm working. I didn't ask him to explain. I'm hurt because I worked harder at this job than any job I have ever done in my life. Sure I was just waiting tables, but he was the harshest, meanest, rudest, and just plain... worst boss, and one of the worst people I have ever met - but it was my job to wait tables, so I took pride in it, I pasted a smile on my face.. no, pasted makes it sound fake... I was happy to be employed, and happy to make the people who came through the doors happy. It taught me a lot about humility, how to build up a thick skin, how to have patience, how to work really hard, and how to excel in something that was not glamorous. I was not trading stock, I was waiting tables, but I took a lot of pride in it and made it look like I was trading stock or saving people's lives, because... that's who I wanted to be at work.

I found myself walking home, amidst feelings of [see above] and trying to remember the constant question I'm asking God, to "put in me situations where it's easy to trust you," and I found myself erring on the side of the latter. If I lost my job, ultimately it's okay, because I trust that God has a plan for me, as he has the past few months, providing me with this job. Why? Maybe for the reasons I listed above - to develop humility in me, and patience, and thick skin, and a servant's heart - and maybe for completely other reasons that I don't know. The important thing is that he has not let me down this far in life, and even if he did, in my eyes, that would be his plan, so that too would be okay.

I'm heading off tomorrow morning to the Blue Mountains with Rebecca, and I'll be damned if this ruins my weekend. On Monday, though I feel like I'll hate it, I will go back to the grind of looking for a job. I don't want to - I wanted to keep the one I had, but God knows of my plans for the future, and how badly I want to do the things I want to do, and how I will need money at some point to do those, and God is watching over me, leading me.

So, I'm hurt, I'm lost, I'm frustrated, I'm many things right now, I'm a blur of emotion - which, in some ways, is nice, to feel something strongly other than love, but I'm also hopeful, because I have to be - it is in my character to be. I'll end with a word that is so meaningless, yet so meaningful at the same time. I hope that this upcoming journey of finding a new job - hopefully one where my boss doesn't treat me like the absolute scum of the earth - will be short, and that the light at the end of the tunnel will be brighter than the one I spent the last 2 months in, but again, it's just hope. My hoping doesn't mean it will happen, nor that what will happen will happen any sooner than were I not to hope for it, but then again, it's hope, and if it helps me get up each morning and look for jobs... then I guess it's useful.

Sydney: Take 2.

I'm not even sure where to begin here. I think the feeling most prevalent in my heart is one of thankfulness. Two months ago, upon arriving here in Australia, things were just not as I had hoped. The only thing keeping us from being out on the streets was the graciousness of Rebecca's sister and her husband allowing us to stay in their house, and it was a huge sacrifice for them to do that. They gave us a car to use, asked us to have dinner with them, and gave us support and help for longer than they needed to. They helped us find work, gave us encouragement, Susie had her friends at work give me tips on finding work, Jean spoke French with me, and their kids were such a blast to be around. It was really a wonderful start to our trip here, and we really would not have made it in Sydney without them. Two months into it, we were ITCHING to find work! These last two weeks have been such a whirlwind... I went from café to café for hours on end trying to find work, submitting my application to each one, hoping for a call, and finally I found a café in Balmain that hired me, (yay!) My first shift, I worked for 10 hours by myself, 12 tables, seating customers, delivering food and drinks, taking orders, bussing tables, everything.. I think it was the hardest work of my life, but at the end, I just felt amazing. At the start, I thought to myself "No, I have a college degree! I worked hard for this, I'm not going back to waiting tables!" But in the end, not only did I find that I really enjoy the job, that it's wonderful exercise, that I am naturally good at it, but also that it's not so bad to let my sense of pride down and accept a job that I don't need a degree for. I can't let a degree define who I am, seeing as how I don't even LIKE what I got a degree in, and have no real desire to pursue a career in the business world. If I had an MD or something and was passionate about medicine, then sure, I could see not wanting to wait tables, but even though i worked really hard in college, I don't like my degree - a Bachelor of Science in High Technology Management. It's boring. It's managing computer programmers, and the part of me that was really interested in that died about 5 years ago. So waiting tables? Bring it on.

I think with each new country I visit, I find new things that I love about each one. I remember France being so difficult when I first got there... I went back and read some of my posts from when I first arrived, and I wanted nothing more than to just go home, back to my friends, because I had none, back to my language, because I couldn't communicate, back to my family because I had no one to watch over me, and back to Rebecca, because I missed her. It feels different this time though. The entire cultural appeal of Europe does not exist for me here. I'm not saying Australia is a bad place, but one of the things that entranced me about Europe, the age of the buildings, the monuments, the new cities I could visit - none of that exists here. I enjoy my job, Rebecca is enjoying hers, we're making a better life for ourselves right now than we were making or could have made in the States, so financially it's a big plus, but I guess I miss the rest of life. When work is over, after I've caught up with friends on facebook and played some games and watched some LOST, there doesn't seem like there's much else to do. In France, I was in an environment that made is easy for me to make friends, living with younger people, and teaching in a school where I was unique, where people wanted to get to know me. I think both Rebecca and I would like to make friends here, but we're not sure how. We want to find a church here in Balmain that we can go to. Maybe we can meet some people there, but to be honest, I really miss that school environment. I keep wondering "what am I supposed to do with my life?" It took me from San Jose to San Diego to Calais to Sydney, and I still have not figured it out. With each leap my life takes, I find myself being interested in more and more things. First it was being a professional hockey player, then Asian culture, then technology, then international relations, then French, then teaching, then wine making, and now, as I am getting older and thinking about the next stage of my life, I feel pressured to choose something.

I guess in some ways I feel jipped. Not jaded, just jipped. You're told as a kid that you can do whatever you want in life, that the doors are wide open, that you can do anything as long as you work hard, but... that never happened to me. From as early an age as I can remember I was always interested in so many things, TOO many things I guess. I could never decide which path I wanted to take - I guess that's why when I play RPGs I always choose characters that are jack of all trades. I have ideas that are more solid now than they used to be, by my life keeps getting turned upside down. I feel that my personality is too paradoxical to make any type of decision that will lead me to stability. I want change, travel, new cities, new experiences, but at the same time I dream of a stable home, in a community of people I know and love and trust, I dream of a home I can call my own, a family, a dog, a 9-5 job. For the last two years now I have felt very strongly that Europe was the place I could have those things, because it offered, if I were able to get a job, stability and the possibility of owning a home and having a life that did not change from day to day, but also allowed for the opportunity to travel, experience new cultures and languages and foods and histories, things which.. absolutely invigorate me. I'm finding that while that dream is still very much alive in my head, I'm finding it harder and harder to believe that Rebecca and I will end up back there. We want to, both of us... but the language barrier is a huge thing to overcome. I'm doing alright with my French, I'm studying it on my own, I'm reading books and talking to friends from France when I get a chance, but I don't feel like I'm growing any closer to fluency. I don't feel that my actual level of French is improving, it's just staying the same with a slightly larger vocabulary of words I'll never use, (thanks books.) Even if we get back to France, there is still a huge question of WHAT we would do once we got there. I guess the question I am trying to answer at this stage in life is "how do I balance all the things i want?" Do I keep trying for ALL of them? Do I settle for a few? If I settle for a few will I regret it later? I see so many people around me, and have for years, who have settled into a life that they don't want, because they were too scared to push for their goals. They took a life, entered a career path, had children when they weren't ready, or whatever, and now they're in their 40s or 50s and they feel it's too late for them to change, then they have a mid-life crisis and buy a porche. I don't want that to be me, ever. At the same time, my logic says "but Brian, you can't do every single thing you want..." And I'm not sure which one to listen to.

As I am thinking, really for the first time in my life, about life for TWO people, instead of just for myself, life takes on a whole new meaning, an entirely new dimension of "but." Sure I could move to France, but, I also want to raise a family and take care of Rebecca. Sure I could stay here in Australia and find some job and Rebecca could work because we're making good money, but, I think both of us would regret forever not moving back to Europe. Sure I could go back to France and get a Masters degree, there's even a scholarship that might pay for ALL of my studies, but, what would Rebecca do during those 2 years? Sit at home and twiddle her thumbs? It is possible that I am entering into the "holy-crap-my-life-isn't-just-about-me-anymore-and-I'm-not-sure-what-to-do-about-it" phase of my life, but.. it's hard. I am so fortunate that both Rebecca and I have many of the same goals. We both want to get married, we both want children, we both want Masters degrees, we both want to live in France, we both want to be bi-lingual, we both love travel, yet at the same time stability, and the list goes on and on, it's just a question of "well if we do this, does it mean we can't do that?" I don't want to stop short of my goals in life because I was too afraid to accept the risk, but at the same time I don't want to blindly engage myself in so many things that I fail all of them and achieve none of my goals.

I feel that I am battling this question around in my head back and forth and back and forth again, but I can't find any solution to the problem. It's interesting, and humbling, to have the range of friends that I have. I take Ken, for example - probably my favorite person to contrast myself to, because we are such close friends, but we are so, so different. He envies my ability follow my heart, to move countries, to go blindly somewhere and really try not to have too many close material attachments to the world. He says in that regard he wishes he could be more like me. Yet I envy him so much for his dedication and perseverance, his intelligence, his ability to have a stable job for the last... 5 or 6 years or something, one where he has gotten several promotions and makes a lot of money - not just because, but because he has worked REALLY hard for it. I wish my life was more stable, he wishes his was more free, and I think it brings me at least some peace to this whole issue, that my solution is not freedom nor stability, but a mixture of both. I know I would not be happy in Ken's life, trapped in the same office for six years programming computers, and Ken would not be happy in mine, sleeping on park benches in France and eating plain, steamed rice, twice a day, for 9 days straight because I had no money, yet we both envy each other for qualities we wish we had, and aspects of the other's life that we wish were ours.

So during this year here in Australia, I guess my goal is to find balance, or find a better balance than the one I have now. I don't want to make it sound like I am dying to get out of Australia and I hate it here - I don't. I am enjoying it a lot. I'm working, (something I haven't done since France), and I feel good about my job, (something that, before my job in France, I can't remember doing in YEARS,) and Rebecca and I are really able to pay off some of our debts, save for the future, and prepare for whatever is next. We don't have a year to stress out about what's next, but a year to plan for it! Maybe that is what I have been missing. Now that we have jobs, a place to live, pillows under our heads, and money coming in, now we can actually focus on what's next. A year is a lot of time... hopefully enough to make a big dent in what to do next.

Frustrated again...

Well, it's almost the end of January, and I have looked everywhere for jobs, and I have not found one. I am beyond feeling like I am chronically-unemployable, I just feel hopeless now. I came to Australia because I heard work was more prevalent here, I got the visa, started looking before I got here, and have now spent countless hours tuning my resume and applying for hundreds of jobs. I haven't gotten a single call back yet. I've applied for cafés, fruit-picking, admin work, project management work, and applied to several jobs in universities trying to cover every possible facet of the job market, thinking "well SOMEONE has got to want to hire me," but no... no one has.

It's nice that Rebecca found a job, it means we may possibly be able to survive while we're here, after the $1000 a month rent at minimum that we're finding. I just... hoped this year would be different from the last. I spent so long in San Diego looking for a job, and I don't know what to feel other than completely useless when I can't get a job anywhere. I don't know what I am doing wrong. I'm not sorry I came here, it's a great experience, even if it sucks right now. Culturally, I'm perplexed by Australians. I don't seem to get them, and they don't seem to get me. We speak the same language, but after conversations I always feel like I came across poorly, or I offended someone, or half the time I feel that people just don't like me, and I'm not really used to that. I feel like since graduating college, I haven't really had a great job. My job at EMN8 really allowed me to grow, my job in France was fun, and I feel like I did such a great job and made a lasting effect on people, but I am hungry for a full time job, doing something that is more than just answering phones or pushing papers. I came here so I could have a better life, and I really thought that that was possible, but now I am not sure... I am just getting depressed, every day a little more... frustrated by the hours and hours I spend in front of the computer working on resumes, looking for jobs, and hearing nothing, over and over again. I just want something.

I've spoken with temp agencies, searched job sites for "work visa" and "462" (the number of my visa,) and I've heard nothing. I'm at the point where I'll take anything now, just to survive, but "just surviving" is really frustrating after spending 5 years in college, and having 3 years of post-college work experience. I feel like I could have done 90% of the jobs I'm applying for when I was 15, so I ask myself why I even went to college if this is what I am getting out of it. I am tired as well of everyone telling me that "it will get better," or that "the job market is just bad right now," I know it's bad right now, but everyone else I know seems to have a job... I just feel retarded that I can't get one. I am a smart guy, I have a good resume, and I'm a good person... I am just tired of waking up every morning to another empty inbox.

This is pretty much what I think is happening to all of my resumes.

So I'm not sure what to do. I know that as each day goes by, my visa runs out further and further, and if I'm not finding work, Rebecca and I can't save for our future - we can barely rent a place to live. I am tired of living in other people's houses, feeling like a bum who is lazy and unemployed, but I don't know what else to do. Maybe I need an encouraging word, maybe I am just writing this because I can't stand the sight of job websites right now, maybe I am just fed up, I don't know.

Rebecca and I have made such detailed plans with what we want to do in the future; we want to move back to France, get jobs, get masters degrees - but all of that starts with saving up and paying off our debts... I have tried everything I can think of, and nothing...... I'm just stuck, and hopeless-feeling.

Christmas in Adelaide!

So Rebecca and I are flying down to Adelaide this afternoon to spend Christmas with her parents and family. I am really excited! I've heard mixed reviews on the city, but the most important thing to me is that her family will be there, I'll get to see her elementary (primary?) school, see the place she grew up in... figure out why she's so weird, and have Christmas with an actual family, which is much better than our original plans to stay here and chill with each other during Christmas and New Year.

Things in Sydney are going a lot better since my last post. It seems that I'm getting adjusted to here a lot faster than I did in France. Albeit the language is the same, and I can actually understand whether people are being nice to me or not, and Rebecca has gotten some job interviews, which is GREAT for us. We've seen a lot more of the city, and we've found a few places that we both really like, that we might want to live in, so that is really good. Now we just have to wait until the holidays are over and we can get started more seriously on our job search. I'm happy to report though that everything is feeling better and better each day, and more and more comfortable. I'm really happy Rebecca is here with me, and we're moving forward with our future, (not plural).

Holy Crap I'm in Australia

Well, my plans seem to have changed a bit over the last few months. I went from doing everything I could to get back to France, to realizing that it might be better to wait a bit, to having an opportunity to move to Australia for a year and taking it, to settling here in Sydney, in a cute little suburb called Maroubra, hanging out with Rebecca, her sister and husband, and their three boys.

It's been hard adjusting to the new time zone, to leaving the States, and there has been added stress from everything here being SO expensive. We can't find rent cheaper than $1200/month! And that's for like.. a shack.

To be honest, I haven't written since I've been here because there doesn't seem much to report. It feels like San Diego with Australian people, but everyone is driving on the other side of the road. I want my own place, I want a place where I can get away when things get too complicated here and when I don't feel like being around other people. I need a lot of personal space, and a lot of time alone, and I don't have that at all here, which is probably one of the hardest things. I want to listen to music, but I can't because I'm never alone. I want to go out with friends, but I don't have any. Sometimes I'd love to go somewhere other than the house, but I can't because I don't know how to get anywhere. I guess I can go to the beach, but that gets old soon. I guess after being unemployed for so long in the States, I was hoping I could come here and find work, but I haven't found anything yet. If I'm in a good mood, which I'm not right now, then it's fine.. I stay positive, but other times, like right now, I feel like maybe I didn't think this through well enoguh before I came. I have no idea what I'm doing here.. it's like France all over again. I know I hated France when I first got there, and I went through a long, drawn out period of mourning before I started to really like it, then I started to love it, and now my heart aches for it and I miss France every day. Maybe Australia will become like that as well... right now I just feel out of place, and unable to do anything about it.

Long Road

Well, it's been a long road up to this point. I remember getting to come back from France and wondering what my life would be like when I came back to the States. I had no idea that four to five months later I would moving again, to Australia. These past months of joblessness, scattered homelessness, frustration dealing with auto insurance companies and banks, and frustration over where my life was headed and the inability to eat at times has taught me a lot I think. As to patience, diligence, humility, I have learned that there is always room to grow as a person. I'm happy, excited, full of wonder for this next trip and next step in my life, but more so, I am just thankful. Most people who have helped me, either with money, with housing, with free dinners, with moral support, read my blog, and those who don't, I've tried my hardest to thank.

I guess now, I am finally going through the last steps of preparing for this trip, which has seen so many more difficulties than I saw before leaving for France. Rebecca and I have both sold our cars, cancelled our accounts, gotten rid of things - that has been a huge one - Rebecca has lived here in the State for 9 years, and packaging everything down to two suitcases is a tough job when you have so many memories, but we will be creating new memories, we will be forging new dreams and putting ourselves out there for the world to deal with once again; and we are both happy about that. In a few weeks my life is going to change forever, again. I can't put into words what living in France for a year did to me, I guess someone (who was really bored,) could go and read all of my posts and could up with a summation of how my views did, but there are no words that can describe what goes on in the human heart, the change that desperation, lack of ability to communicate, longing for home, and then finally a discovery of oneself, but at least I know what happened there. I can't wait to see what happens on this next journey. If it will be the same, no one can say. I think the non-language barrier will be a huge factor in how I change, and how easily I grow accustomed to my new place. Also having my best friend and love there with me, (or I with her to be more accurate,) will make this a much different trip.

I guess the largest question I have now is when this desire to travel, see and experience the world will end. Will it be with Australia? Will I move back to France? I know that deep down my my heart still beats to return there, and I, like Rebecca, never want to settle for a life I'll take when I can push for a life I want. Especially in today's world where international affairs are so possible and plentiful, I consider Australia not as an end, but as a step to finding out the future.

So to all who have helped me these last four months, you have no idea what you've done, and how much you've helped me. Every dollar, every night on a couch, every meal, every encouraging word. It has meant the world to me.

What about the future?

J'aimerais bien savoir ce que je devrais faire avec l'avenir... Je vais déménager en Australie, mais après, devrais-je retourner aux états-unis? Puis-je retourner en France? Je préférais revenir en France honnêtement, je veux étudier français là, parce que je ne veux pas perdre ce que j'ai appris, et je me sens que je suis déjà en train de l'oublier. J'ai besoin de pratiquer avec quelqu'un, mais Rebecca a trouvé plein des écoles à Sydney où je peux continuer mes études, donc, pour le moment c'est pas grave, mais je meurs d'envie de parler français, je meurs d'envie d'être plus Français, je meurs d'envie d'y revenir et encore vivre... Je me sens vide depuis partir de la France, et je veux y revenir... mais je rabâche... Je suppose qu'il faut attendre, mais on ne peut attendre qu'un temps. Éventuellement je vais oublier la France, et je vais encore devenir américain, et j'ai peur de ça. Je vois, maintenant, tous ces problèmes avec mon pays, avec la mode de vie ici, mais je sais si je reste trop de temps ici, j'oublierai les problèmes, j'oublierai ce que j'aimais de la France, j'oublierai mes amis là, et je serai triste, sans savoir pourquoi, je serai mécontent avec ma vie. C'est déprimé! Et je veux pas ça! Je suis coincé...