Well, I lost my job.

So after two months of waiting tables, I was fired today - for the second time. I got fired last month as well, because my boss was having a bad day and took it out on me. I'm not sure where to begin this post - other than by saying I got fired. On the one hand, I'm frustrated, as anyone would be, but on the other hand, I'm seeing the good in it, as I do. Many times in my life I've asked God to show me, or put me, into circumstances that make trusting Him easier, so when my boss told me today "I won't be needing you next week - or the week after," I instantly felt a wave of shock, tears, and anger come over me - "BUT, I am your BEST waiter! I run 16 tables by myself, bus tables, carry food, carry drinks, engage the customers - they LOVE me - THEY say I'm your best waiter - YOU'VE told me like a hundred times that I am your best waiter, but you're bi-polar! You are SO nice to the customers, then you turn around and call your staff "useless" or "stupid" to their faces. You get angry at us when it's slow, you get angry at us if people don't spend enough, you have time to talk to the cooks and hang out, but if the waiter stops for five seconds to have a sip of water you get angry - it's like we're slaves, and most of your waiters hate you!" <--- was what I wanted to say. I wanted to grab his espresso machine and throw it at his face - but I didn't. I was very calm, and I finished the last hour of my shift. I made no mistakes today - we sold a lot, I made a lot in tips, I had great feedback from customers, so it was a good day to end on, I guess.

I have this feeling in my throat like I want to throw up now, because I did my best, and I was the best waiter at his restaurant, but he fired me. Why? The reasons he gave were "you're too good for this restaurant. I think more people come in to see you than to get my coffee," and "I want this run my way. You wait tables like an American, I want someone to run it like an Australian." I don't know what that means, but, on days I work we have MORE customers, and he's constantly telling me how much more he makes when I'm working. I didn't ask him to explain. I'm hurt because I worked harder at this job than any job I have ever done in my life. Sure I was just waiting tables, but he was the harshest, meanest, rudest, and just plain... worst boss, and one of the worst people I have ever met - but it was my job to wait tables, so I took pride in it, I pasted a smile on my face.. no, pasted makes it sound fake... I was happy to be employed, and happy to make the people who came through the doors happy. It taught me a lot about humility, how to build up a thick skin, how to have patience, how to work really hard, and how to excel in something that was not glamorous. I was not trading stock, I was waiting tables, but I took a lot of pride in it and made it look like I was trading stock or saving people's lives, because... that's who I wanted to be at work.

I found myself walking home, amidst feelings of [see above] and trying to remember the constant question I'm asking God, to "put in me situations where it's easy to trust you," and I found myself erring on the side of the latter. If I lost my job, ultimately it's okay, because I trust that God has a plan for me, as he has the past few months, providing me with this job. Why? Maybe for the reasons I listed above - to develop humility in me, and patience, and thick skin, and a servant's heart - and maybe for completely other reasons that I don't know. The important thing is that he has not let me down this far in life, and even if he did, in my eyes, that would be his plan, so that too would be okay.

I'm heading off tomorrow morning to the Blue Mountains with Rebecca, and I'll be damned if this ruins my weekend. On Monday, though I feel like I'll hate it, I will go back to the grind of looking for a job. I don't want to - I wanted to keep the one I had, but God knows of my plans for the future, and how badly I want to do the things I want to do, and how I will need money at some point to do those, and God is watching over me, leading me.

So, I'm hurt, I'm lost, I'm frustrated, I'm many things right now, I'm a blur of emotion - which, in some ways, is nice, to feel something strongly other than love, but I'm also hopeful, because I have to be - it is in my character to be. I'll end with a word that is so meaningless, yet so meaningful at the same time. I hope that this upcoming journey of finding a new job - hopefully one where my boss doesn't treat me like the absolute scum of the earth - will be short, and that the light at the end of the tunnel will be brighter than the one I spent the last 2 months in, but again, it's just hope. My hoping doesn't mean it will happen, nor that what will happen will happen any sooner than were I not to hope for it, but then again, it's hope, and if it helps me get up each morning and look for jobs... then I guess it's useful.