aGAIN.
Well, maybe "sick" isn't the best word to use. Remember back in my first year at SDSU when I accidentally took my contacts out of my eyes, but they were kind of dry, so I scratched my retina and Kara had to take me to urgent care where the doctor put stuff in my eyes that numbed them so that I could not move them, then proceeded to put this goop in my eyes and made me close them for four days, during which I laid in bed like a gimp? That *may* have happened again. Last night, after taking out my contacts, I felt a sharp pain in my right eye. Today, I had to leave school early and come home because my eye was just super sore, and I kept getting dizzy. Right now, it looks like a huge red blob, and I'm on 1g of paracetamol, so things aren't too bad right now, but I'm really afraid this might turn into what it did last time, which is easily the most painful thing I have ever experienced. NOT good when you're in a foreign country all alone and have a hard time with the language.
Friday, December 12, 2008
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Internet and Life. French style.
For better or for worse, I grew up in the Bay Area, and ever since my parents first bought a computer I have been attached to them. I enjoy reading tech news, following the latest trends in technology, and working to get the best technological deals possible. France makes this impossible. We got internet a few days ago, and I realize most of you reading will just skip over this part, but... our internet SUCKS. I had more freedom with AOL in 1996 than I do with their "broadband." Instead of getting a DSL or Cable modem that we hook up and use to connect, France feels that is not socialistic enough, so everyone has to share their broadband too. You get a box that allows you to connect to a local hotspot, along with everyone else from your neighborhood, and I think France feels that using the internet for anything other than email is wrong, so they've blocked all other protocols other than HTTP. This means I can't download anything, play games, use skype, or use instant messenger clients. Yippee! Also, since you're connected to a hotspot, it disconnects you every... oh, half hour or so, so if I'm in the middle of a conversation with someone and all of the sudden it just stops, I have to go and reload the hotspot webpage and type in our code again. Argh. And no one thinks this is out of the ordinary either. They call it "broadband," but I can't even stream video off of youtube! Do you realize how little bandwidth it takes to stream a video off of youtube? No, you probably don't, and no one is probably still reading this.
So, I will move onto more important things.
France continues to frustrate me. I realize the reasons why I moved here. If you know them, great, if not, it's too long a story to type here, but, so much of me is just ready to call it a day and come home. I am not really enjoying myself here. There are parts of my week that I like, but for the most part I'm not DOING anything here. I thought everything would be better. I'm not trying to whine or complain, it's just that I have a girl I love back home, a career I'd like to continue, and no discernible reason why I really want to stay here. I've seen as much of Europe as I have the budget for, and I might go do a little more travel in January or February, but.. I'm just frustrated by everything. My teaching job is par at best. I get along wonderfully with the teachers who are all SO friendly and nice to me, and the students love me. It's fun being at school, because I'm the cool kid, I'm the one everyone wants to get a hello from, and that's always a great feeling, but inside the classroom it's different. I have spent a lot of time talking to the teachers about the problems I see in class, and they agree with me that they are issues.
I think what frustrates me the most is that about 90% of my students just don't care. They don't have a system of language like we do in the States, where you would take "English 1," which covered a certain set of material that you needed in order to be able to take "English 2." The idea of prerequisites also lends itself to math, where you need to know algebra 1 before you take algebra 2 and trig, but... in France, or at least here, nothing works the way it should. Kids go to class based on their age, so when they're 14, they take the english class with all the 14 year olds, then when they're 15 they move onto the 15 year old class. There is no distinction between the kid who tries really hard and the one who doesn't, and it's impossible to teach a class that is in ANY way stimulating or else I'll lose 90% of the students, and the ones who are really smart and enjoy english don't like to speak up because they're afraid of seeming out of place. Socialism is so prevalent here, and my teachers have echoed this to me, that the school believes it is better to give everyone some education rather than give some people a great education and others none. So whether or not the students try is entirely up to them, and it drives my teachers CRAZY. One of them studied in the States and has been pushing for the school to move to some sort of merit-based system so that students who try harder are more rewarded, and teachers can teach classes that are based on some sort of level of knowledge of the language. I'm not holding my breath though.
I mean, last week I had a kid, 17 years old, 5th year student of English, ask me how to say "I don't know." And... I won't lie, part of me wanted to just smack this kid in the face! He has been taking English for FIVE years, FIVE years sitting in a classroom, and the amount asked of him, expected of him, or forced upon him has been SO little that he needs to ask me how to say THE most basic question that every single student in the world learns the first week in class. Other times, I am working with my students and I have a set of vocabulary written up on the board, or on the handout I give them, and as we're reading the story, I ask "Okay, now did everyone understand that sentence?" I get no answers, just blank stares, so I say it in French, to which they reply, (usually in French), "no, we don't understand what this word means," and I say, "well it's written at the bottom of your sheet, I've GIVEN you the translation, can someone look at the bottom of their page and tell me what it means?" Nothing. They just sit there, like effing logs, and do nothing! They are so used to not having to try at ALL, and not being forced to try, that they don't. They expect so little of themselves and are content with so little that it makes me sad. They know that once they get out of high school, life for each of them will pretty much be the same. I have asked them what they want, all 100 of my students or so, and about 95% have said they want a normal, average life. They want to get married, have a small house and a car, nothing too impressive, "whatever my neighbors have," is an answer I've commonly gotten. I come from a place where the 12 year old Asian kids at my junior high were taking classes at De Anza so they could get ahead, where SMART was respected, and where hard work paid off, and it just... as you can tell, drives me crazy to see only one or two of my classes have students that really try, and really care about doing something in life. The others know that if they make 20k a year, they can live, and that all their medical expenses and every big thing is covered in their taxes already, so all desire to try is just completely removed from them. It really pisses me off.
Other than that, I'm trying to plan my holidays! Rebecca is coming out to visit me for Christmas, and I'm overjoyed. I can't wait! I'd really like to do something around here, but there really is nothing here in the city. I'm not upset about where I've been placed, because I know that I'm here for a reason, and I've had a lot of time to think about life, and think about myself and.. just.. stuff, but I really wish I were in the south of France so I could see France in the glory that many people have talked about. I went up to Brussels last weekend, and that was beautiful, and my friends and I also took a trip to Brugge last month that was beautiful. We got to take a horse and carriage ride, and see a lot of pretty buildings and things that were a thousand years older my country - it was so interesting! I would love to go up further, into the Netherlands, (dude that SO sounds like a zone in WoW doesn't it?) and check out the cities there. I just found out that prostitution is legal in Amsterdam - not that I plan on USING it, just thought I'd point that out for those of you who didn't know that.
I think this is more of an internal struggle for me than I can express here, but I am having a hard time staying here. I don't really enjoy my job, I am not finding Europe as this "centre of culture" that everyone talks about, and I know that it's because of the part of France I am in, and not because the country lacks culture. I am not naive. I found Paris beautiful and lovely, but, since coming here, I just haven't been enjoying myself. I guess the bigger question is "Am I here to enjoy myself?" I thought i was... I thought this was supposed to be a really fun and happy time where I got to do a bunch of stuff, but I never have any money so I never travel, everything is expensive and a lot of people seem to always be... on the downside of life. People, many people, ask me why I came to Calais, that no one likes it here, that I got the worst part of France... it's tough hearing that kind of stuff everyday. So half of me is just telling me to leave, to go home after Christmas and forget the second half of this trip. I would SO much rather be back home, working in the States, starting my career back up, being home with the people I love, being comfortable again. Yet, the other half tells me I have to stick this out. This is not a series of sentences whose aim is to show that obviously I must choose the latter, that, despite all, I must stick this out, because that is the obvious answer. There is no obvious answer to me right now. I will probably stay, if nothing else, out of guilt to everyone who helped me, bought me things, encouraged me, and gave me support during the months leading up to this trip, I can't disappoint them all, you know? I duno, I'll have to wait a bit longer and see where this voyage takes me.
So, I will move onto more important things.
France continues to frustrate me. I realize the reasons why I moved here. If you know them, great, if not, it's too long a story to type here, but, so much of me is just ready to call it a day and come home. I am not really enjoying myself here. There are parts of my week that I like, but for the most part I'm not DOING anything here. I thought everything would be better. I'm not trying to whine or complain, it's just that I have a girl I love back home, a career I'd like to continue, and no discernible reason why I really want to stay here. I've seen as much of Europe as I have the budget for, and I might go do a little more travel in January or February, but.. I'm just frustrated by everything. My teaching job is par at best. I get along wonderfully with the teachers who are all SO friendly and nice to me, and the students love me. It's fun being at school, because I'm the cool kid, I'm the one everyone wants to get a hello from, and that's always a great feeling, but inside the classroom it's different. I have spent a lot of time talking to the teachers about the problems I see in class, and they agree with me that they are issues.
I think what frustrates me the most is that about 90% of my students just don't care. They don't have a system of language like we do in the States, where you would take "English 1," which covered a certain set of material that you needed in order to be able to take "English 2." The idea of prerequisites also lends itself to math, where you need to know algebra 1 before you take algebra 2 and trig, but... in France, or at least here, nothing works the way it should. Kids go to class based on their age, so when they're 14, they take the english class with all the 14 year olds, then when they're 15 they move onto the 15 year old class. There is no distinction between the kid who tries really hard and the one who doesn't, and it's impossible to teach a class that is in ANY way stimulating or else I'll lose 90% of the students, and the ones who are really smart and enjoy english don't like to speak up because they're afraid of seeming out of place. Socialism is so prevalent here, and my teachers have echoed this to me, that the school believes it is better to give everyone some education rather than give some people a great education and others none. So whether or not the students try is entirely up to them, and it drives my teachers CRAZY. One of them studied in the States and has been pushing for the school to move to some sort of merit-based system so that students who try harder are more rewarded, and teachers can teach classes that are based on some sort of level of knowledge of the language. I'm not holding my breath though.
I mean, last week I had a kid, 17 years old, 5th year student of English, ask me how to say "I don't know." And... I won't lie, part of me wanted to just smack this kid in the face! He has been taking English for FIVE years, FIVE years sitting in a classroom, and the amount asked of him, expected of him, or forced upon him has been SO little that he needs to ask me how to say THE most basic question that every single student in the world learns the first week in class. Other times, I am working with my students and I have a set of vocabulary written up on the board, or on the handout I give them, and as we're reading the story, I ask "Okay, now did everyone understand that sentence?" I get no answers, just blank stares, so I say it in French, to which they reply, (usually in French), "no, we don't understand what this word means," and I say, "well it's written at the bottom of your sheet, I've GIVEN you the translation, can someone look at the bottom of their page and tell me what it means?" Nothing. They just sit there, like effing logs, and do nothing! They are so used to not having to try at ALL, and not being forced to try, that they don't. They expect so little of themselves and are content with so little that it makes me sad. They know that once they get out of high school, life for each of them will pretty much be the same. I have asked them what they want, all 100 of my students or so, and about 95% have said they want a normal, average life. They want to get married, have a small house and a car, nothing too impressive, "whatever my neighbors have," is an answer I've commonly gotten. I come from a place where the 12 year old Asian kids at my junior high were taking classes at De Anza so they could get ahead, where SMART was respected, and where hard work paid off, and it just... as you can tell, drives me crazy to see only one or two of my classes have students that really try, and really care about doing something in life. The others know that if they make 20k a year, they can live, and that all their medical expenses and every big thing is covered in their taxes already, so all desire to try is just completely removed from them. It really pisses me off.
Other than that, I'm trying to plan my holidays! Rebecca is coming out to visit me for Christmas, and I'm overjoyed. I can't wait! I'd really like to do something around here, but there really is nothing here in the city. I'm not upset about where I've been placed, because I know that I'm here for a reason, and I've had a lot of time to think about life, and think about myself and.. just.. stuff, but I really wish I were in the south of France so I could see France in the glory that many people have talked about. I went up to Brussels last weekend, and that was beautiful, and my friends and I also took a trip to Brugge last month that was beautiful. We got to take a horse and carriage ride, and see a lot of pretty buildings and things that were a thousand years older my country - it was so interesting! I would love to go up further, into the Netherlands, (dude that SO sounds like a zone in WoW doesn't it?) and check out the cities there. I just found out that prostitution is legal in Amsterdam - not that I plan on USING it, just thought I'd point that out for those of you who didn't know that.
I think this is more of an internal struggle for me than I can express here, but I am having a hard time staying here. I don't really enjoy my job, I am not finding Europe as this "centre of culture" that everyone talks about, and I know that it's because of the part of France I am in, and not because the country lacks culture. I am not naive. I found Paris beautiful and lovely, but, since coming here, I just haven't been enjoying myself. I guess the bigger question is "Am I here to enjoy myself?" I thought i was... I thought this was supposed to be a really fun and happy time where I got to do a bunch of stuff, but I never have any money so I never travel, everything is expensive and a lot of people seem to always be... on the downside of life. People, many people, ask me why I came to Calais, that no one likes it here, that I got the worst part of France... it's tough hearing that kind of stuff everyday. So half of me is just telling me to leave, to go home after Christmas and forget the second half of this trip. I would SO much rather be back home, working in the States, starting my career back up, being home with the people I love, being comfortable again. Yet, the other half tells me I have to stick this out. This is not a series of sentences whose aim is to show that obviously I must choose the latter, that, despite all, I must stick this out, because that is the obvious answer. There is no obvious answer to me right now. I will probably stay, if nothing else, out of guilt to everyone who helped me, bought me things, encouraged me, and gave me support during the months leading up to this trip, I can't disappoint them all, you know? I duno, I'll have to wait a bit longer and see where this voyage takes me.
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